April 2, 2005 Hope > Want

I'm done with the downstairs molding project which means nothing more and nothing less than freedom from house arrest. My aunt helped me to do the project because she said she felt guilty for painting that so sloppily and making the mess i had as a project. The things my aunt says are amazingly numbing in so many ways, and of course she doesn't see when she says something that offends anyone, she can only hear what we say back. My aunt lacks in the ability to read body language, example: could be sitting down with my eyes closed, and she would read that as a perfect time to interupt with some story from some place some time when she was driving some truck on some route and getting yelled at by someone. Well I was sitting there and she'd ask me things like, so whats your band play? "hardcore/death metal/black metal." "awww well thats too bad, I was hoping you would play some covers for me, you know some John Melloncrap, bob Dillon." Melloncamp*--whoops-- Anyhow i said that covers are for pussies and she just laughed as if she knew what that really meant, but we all know with my aunt's intellect... Then everytime she got something done she would say, " i bet you wish you could get that off as fast as me" I'd just smile and nod like, "yeahhhhhhh, I know i wish I had the muscle you do." But on the inside I was thinking, Yes shes working more than me, she better since this is really her freaking mess, and I'm just doing it because i must, otherwise I wouldn't be even thinking about helping you, unless you went mute. Is that really that bad to think, my answer is more important than yours!
Well so I'm off house arrest so says my mom. She won't call or anything, but she said she'll talk to her as soon as Mrs Woodson calls her. Today my mom kicked Ben while and E and him were fighting, which i just kind of looked at as my own private wrestling match in my living room. My mom wouldn't ignore it, she just had to run to the screams of them and start even more trouble. I told her not to worry about it and she just screamed back almost like instinct, "then you do it!" So they were fighting again and I came to stop them by grabbing ben behind the arms and lifting him away, while my mom with her CRS (Can't remember shit) syndrome came roaring in with a swift kick to Ben's behind. My aunt was saying that she originally told her that she could paint the downstair's wall and just lay down newspaper because she was going to paint the molding anyways, but like I said with my mom's CRS syndrome, she doesn't seem retain her consistency. Sometimes i could cry because she just forgets so much, or responds to something that's important to me with something that's completely irrelevant and heartless half the time. When I showed her my good grades, she just said I don't even bring homework home, and later on i said that she had said that to me when I shoed her my grades and she just laughed with her fake smile and stared at me like i was absolutely wrong; needless to say that turned in to a huge freaking fight with only me to lose, being on diversion at the time. Law's authority > My Authority. So my moms crazy everyone knew that a long time ago, you can tell from her fake smiles or how she talks on the phone when shes tired, or how much she forgets, the family members around her know best of all these things.
So I'm going to jam with David Zainey, INSANEY ZAINEY, in a few years when Audrey gets out of the shower. I hope i get to see Stephanie tonight and hang for a while some of my good friends. I want to enjoy this last night i can be out late on my spring break.
Anyways my day is just beginning now that all the work is over, and there's nothing I want to do more than see people i can't always see.
Stephanie and I talked yesterday,and I was feeling over worked up about things that are pretty stupid. I felt like a drama king when i heard stephanie's responses because she just said i was worrying too much and that it wasn't a big deal. I understand that it's not really a big thing that I don't like being called hun, and I understand most people think its stupid; it's honestly something that I find bothersome. I hope that doesn't make her think im stupid or something. I try not to let it get to me and just understand people don't mean it like that, its just something that makes me feel like you're belittling me with words you would normally say to a child or someone you're trying to be all buddy buddy with. That was not the time for it's use. I'm just glad we talked about it, even though it was a little rough. I want everything to be good, and i know that problems will arise during our relationship, but I want the problems to be assesed no matter the size. Remember the quote, " the truth is replaced by silence, and silence is a lie?"Kylee told me things just grow and grow until they become something big. you have to cut it out when it's small. I want to be honest with Stephanie as much as i possibly can without hurting myself, and I want to be as understanding as i can no matter the situation or the size. That's almost nothing compared to what happened last night. I don't even want to say it in here because that will only let more people know of the mishap. I don't think anything is wrong, but all I can do is hope. I hope nothing happens with this and I hope no one will get hurt over this.
My day has been short in terms of words, more unsaid than spoken, but that only means less is being said, same amount of thoughts as any other day in the year. I want to leave, and get away from this place i've been confined to for so long; having my only breaks at night when my mother is working or sleeping. I'm ready to make today happen, and I'm prepaired for the bad I will be confronted with. I can handle anything tossed my way, I just need to smile now and keep myself up.