Dim lights cast shadows resembling bruises on the walls and floors

My Preoccupation
My mind is scrambling, franticly moving from subject to subject; it's up to no good i'm tellign you. I think this means i should be going to sleep, but i really don't feel like it. I don't understand the feeling, and i'm not sure anyone does for that matter. I hate when i feel down in one way or another and i don't understand why because i feel so out of control. I think we've gotten the feeling sometimes; the feeling where nothing can satisfy your needs, and you don't know what your needs are. Patience, i guess, is what i need to feel better. I need to sleep away these bad feelings i have. Time will solve this problem i suppose, but it won't help it from reoccuring. Reoccuring depression is mostly likely what i have, as if they can diagnose something as misunderstood as ideas running through one's brain. I'm tempted to start taking anti-depressents, but as soon as i agree that i should get them i realize they don't know what they're doingto your head; and i'd rather stay "au natrel" or as close as i can be without starving myself. I realize this is all in my head, and that there's ways to better control your emotions.
If it's worth reading, it's on indianTimes books
Indian self help books
I don't know where that came from. The web is so infinite, and so easily searched with google. You can find help with jsut about anything here. How to mend just about anythingOh the comedy just doesn't stop. I'm too introverted to laugh, and i have trouble by myself anyways. I need to start waking up and smiling again. That habit has slipped away over the past few weeks. Smiling in the morning is great for my mental health. Well, making a habit out of smiling can't be bad right? Smile if you feel down in the morning, when something gets to you, if you feel physical pain, someone calls you names, if someone passing you on the road, heck even if someone takes something from you. Just smile it off. Smile it off. Ha, i can see that be some dumb couseling mantra, kind of like, "walk it off" in the sports world.

I drank a cup of coffee about 30 minutes ago even though it's around 11:24 now. You do the math! I've been having dizzy spells for a while now, and the last happened while i was coming up the stairs. Good enough reasoning for you to do the calculations. I know these spells can't be from dehydration because i'm a big water consumer; consequently, i'm a big bathroom attendee as well. It's gotta go somewhere. it all can't leak out my pores.

I've been noticing that cigarettes are on my mind more than they were a year ago. Iy can only mean one thing, and that's some gypsy put some curse to bring some pestilence into my life; as if i need any more annoyances. sheesh, i have two younger brothers, loud and obnoxious, and two older sister with their hypocondriac and nuerotic worries, not to mention my mom with her insanity from lack of sleep and dealing with us all. Back to the issue at hand...I need to reduce my use. that rhy-i won't even say it. It's becomming a huge source of debt, and i know it's hurting me more than i can feel or have noticed. I think i just have that luck. Even though my immune system is SUPER MEGA STRONG...ok maybe that was a hyperbolic statement, but i really haven't been sick in a long time since these dizzy spells this evening. I think the dizzy spells are mental; i'm just missing stephanie too much. That's my problem. I wish it was that easy... I'm thinking stephanie's guess could be right; the whole i might have food poisoning. Ehhh fuck food poisoning and from pizza of all things.

Tomorrow is another day of work... and i'm try to look at it as if it's going to help me with my balancing work to play. Play being anything i enjoy, even some work i take pleasure in. I must finish this website in the next day so i can do whatever for the rest of the school year in lab. I think i'm passing. God i better be passing in lab; that bastard better not fail me. I help people with their work; isn't that good enough? Honestly give me some proficiency test on the programs because i can prove i know what i'm doing. It's just the fact i have things i hold more important and higher on my priority list: reading blogs, bettering my vocabulary, talking to people through email, daydreaming, sleeping, and all of this to try to feel better. Okay, maybe some of those listed above shouldn't be on my list of priorities, but...-sigh- tell me what life's all about... Sometimes i just feel like giving up on those small requirements as if they really prove anything about me. Damn schooling and how it's a prerequisite to an income.

I have to get up around 6 tp wake my little brothers for school tomorrow. Stephanie will be sleeping! BEHH! And so i don't have to ride the bus since my mom said she'll take me when she gets back from work. YAY, this means i have time to go back to sleep until 8 tics up. So i'm going to where my uniform shirt-WAIT, I JUST REMEMBERED! we don't have to wear uniforms these last two weeks. Oh my god... I'm going to wear the most offensive clothing a person can wear, a red floss bikini to bring out my beautiful disease. Although that would be freaking hilarious, it'd also get me kicked out of their school; and i don't want that.

Goodnight, it's time for me to retire to my bed, and hopefully dream sweet dreams, preferably of stephanie. It'd be nice to see her again. Peace Outy 5000