Can't spell crap without rap

My mind is permanently trapped in worrying mode because of this dreaded feeling that i've let Stephanie down, that i've fucked up royally by not calling my favorite, most thought of, admired person tonight. I've had shit tons on my mind, but that feeling is present like a blury person in the backround of a photograph. I said i'd call her back around 7 or so, the last time i talked to her, but now it's 12:20 and far too late. She's pissed, and i know it. I guess this will all pass; all our worries will be gone by monday.

I've been running my mind on overdrive all day with no sign of braking, and now i just feel pulling back into my drive way and sleeping.

I have a new stepmother sicne my dad has gotten married. He tried to hide his marriage from the whole family until today, my sister's graduation and his first day back from Jamaica. The graduation ceremony was a hoot and a half. Every parent and child willfully embarrassing themselves for all the strangers, and somehow they seemed to get some sort of pride out of it. They, of course, have a reason to be prideful; they're all graduated with a highschool diploma from a prestegious Christian homeschooling program. I had shed a few tears during the walk up to the stage. Audrey walked perfectly straight wearing her maroon graduation gown, looking very proper and important. The music playing was the usually aisle walking music with no mistakes or replays, played live by an older lady in a white dress staring intentively at the walkers. Audrey was trying not to look anywhere besides straight ahead like a driver in a race. The race of her life has just now begun, and everything up to now has been taught for this time. Straight-faced, dark eyed stares running down the floor, but nothing was registering through her sporadic, intuitive mind. There probably wasn't anything besides the aisle.

Every other person was a christian mother crying from the sense of accomplishment, remembering all the great and beautiful moments their graduating child had experienced up till that moment. I'm sure they were reliving their own graduation in their heads like someone walking through a house they used to live in. Thinking of all the emotions they've had from the event, and in the end, remembering all the high school memories. The looks their son or daughter posed would be an instant reminder that things have changed, for the better or worse. All the emotions only momentary, but like a snapshot of the past, still enough to make you think or feel like you were there, then, just as it all used to be.

I watched the photographs of these strangers flash on the ovehead screens, examing the faces and backgrounds, and i had a feeling that i knew them in some way, even though i'd never even seen before. I had some connection with them like they were in the same shoes as me, still confused about the world and searching for some ultimate truth, as if there was one to find. These kids, with their Michael Jackson noses and complexions, teddy bear necklaces, shoes, bedsheets and stuffed animals, hobbies, dreams, and perceptions; flashing on the massive television screens like nothing special. Their life stories were summed up in a 20 second slide show--how diminutive a show for such an important representation. These people, like me, had their own hobbies, parents, brothers, sisters, lives, and confusions; they all weren't ready to move to the next phase in life. But time isn't courteous, and there's no stopping for a break of thought: live, live, live.

Audrey was sitting on stage with her class, staring down at the floor for a few minutes while the guest speaker was presenting his inspiring speech to the newly awarded young adults; when she looked up all the sudden, exposing the tears running down her cheeks with a big red-eyed face. Whether a joyful, pride cry, or disappointed, sorrowful cry, she was showing us this meant something important to her; and we certainly heard that loud and clear. She was reflecting, i suppose, on everything that had led up to this point in her life, like watching a documentary of her past in her head. I'm proud of her, even if she's made mistakes; who doesn't?

I was intentively and stubbornly staring watching these pictures flash thorugh and through until it got to my sister's representation, when i started to wonder when the show was going to end. I culminated in an explosion of confused claps and whisles. Everyone, i'm sure, was hungry, since the show had out last usual lunch times and was approaching the dinner time. Sure enough we got to leave the auditorium for the second part of the graduation, the dining room and refreshment area.

It's late, and i'll finish this tomorrow.