"the trick to creativity is hiding your sources"

Here i am on another night in another month in another year, just another person in another city in another house in another chair staring at this computer screen, trying to focus on something so ican write it down, as if anyone would read my blog and think much of it, excluding my queen; she cares about me. I want to forget about all this sometimes, and i do very easily this weekend. I had other stuiff on my mind i guess, because i just straight up forgot about blogging every night this weekend. it's the 8th now. Amazing, i have only a few more weeks until schools out and my birthday's anniversary. What will i do with myself? a car, visit people, friends, work, save up for gps and communicater to keep stephanie on call? sure maybe, Stay focused orion, focused... and you'll get things done and you'll be who you want to be and things will fall into place and you'll understand what everything's all about.

I need some direction, a mentor or something possible. Oh i know the term, a role model. I need someone to be like; no no, i already have too many of those. so cliche? that word should've never been created for this reason. It being over used by me and people like me, that can realize when things sound cliche or maybe it's themselves just feeling bad how they feel. lets just adopt "gaudy"; doesn't it mean pretty much the same thing, or is that for only tangible things? I'm so pretentious in so many ways. An idealistic degenerate with no bread crumbs to get back. I compare myself to so much, and i find myself inferior a good sum of the times. But is that how we all pass judgement on people? comparing someone you don't well or not even at all with yourself, which you really won't know yourself ever, just what you've done. I guess you could say we define people and things by what they do, but not always is that true. first impression is the exact opposite; we define someone without knowing what they've done. So it's kind of making up things this complete stranger has done, all in your head, to pass judgement on them. We can make those actions up in our heads because they're stereo types given to us by people we'll probably never meet, and they'll probably never be affected by us in any significant way. I mean T.V. and most peers. I compare myself to people that are amazing, and maybe that's why i am so disappointed with myself; "i'm a degenerate, my opinion of course."

Am i the only one that thinks its hard to get that off your mind? So i can begin persuing "being myself", an old man that doesn't know deaths hovering over him? haha. I need to watch more T.V. i tell ya. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts... or else you'll never be happy, just content. I think contentment could be a word we made up to describe us "on the verge of complete self evaluation and reform." Give it time, we'll find something wrong with it. nothing is flawless, always room to progress, i guess.

Right i'll progress?!? pffff, i digress, i'm looking away, away from everything i don't think is worth my time, if thats progression? then i'm black and completely undiseased.

I must go for the night maybe...