Been Living In My Head

I'm listening to some mozart, and drinking water here in front of the machine, i'm realizing that i've been living in my head. Not in the sense that i've been playing out a fictional life or anything of that sort rather thinking thoughts plainly and only in the isolation of my head, my mind; but this doesn't seem a virtue as so a vice, bringing myself to a whole new level of unrelating and antisocial qualities. In no way does it mean i'm some reprobate or misanthropist merely out of touch with whats going on socially, which causes all these unwanted emotions to creep in, seeping through the holes in my personality from not professing what's on or in my head. I've been reading a Buddhism book, saying to take reality as it is before thought; when i haven't a clue why this is beneficial in keeping yourself inline or anything more than content. Contentment is the most this way of life can achieve. It's much more practical to adopt some traits of the buddhist way of life and keep what makes you happy intact.

Stephanie and i have been seeing each other nearly everyday with few exceptions. It brings a sense of relief, her still wanting to spend time with me. It keeps me believing we can be happy together now and later. I'd like to do more things with her, although laying with Steph is a nice relaxing activity; it's not something that teaches us about one another. I love spending time with her, don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Steph, seeing all the funny faces she makes, hearing her jokes--though some may be lame, lol. I'd like to continue things, but i think we need to take it easy on one another. I want to always be nice to her, but at times, it becomes hopeless to react the same way when somethings she does hurts me. It's not as easy as it sounds, not even saying this is easy, and it's not nearly as easy when in the situation to look past emotion to the most plausible and best suiting decision. Bringing bad things up makes me hurt, but i need to get them off my chest. I'm not sure how she feels about all of this stuff, our problems, our fights. I don't know what's hard for her to do, but i understand it's hard to say somethings. That doesn't nullify the fact the words must be said, no matter how hard. I want to work through our problems. An important thing to remember in this is how it does take work, some hard work, some easy, but work the same. I wish i could say this without sounding like a dick. I want to be the best i can for her, nothing less. There's many good times, many great feelings, and i don't want to give her up; and I'm not ready to give up on anything rather try harder to reform things.

Why Is It So Inevitable?

We want what we don't have
We have what we don't want
We incessantly demand more
An addiction, a disease
We're born with
Instinct to never be
Never being satisfied for long
We want to be changed
Our wants to be changed
Our change to be expected
So we do what we want
We do what we don't want
All sentiments unchanged, unwanted

A Force of Nature

Solitude may be now
Emptied into the ambience
Subtle twitches of breath
Stark truth is, unraveling so

Now is emphemeral as each twitch
Conceptualizing each the same
For an indubious facet as breath
An adage of common minds

Filtered to impurity, tainted
Wishes, wants, plights for now
and gone as they come, unsatisfied
Caught in the mental web

A somber varnish is solitude
The truth evoked when reposed
is inhaled, seen, tasted, heard and felt
Observing in solitude, truth is experienced
I am and it is not ever the same
Changing

To Jeets for some eats, thank you, come again

I just got back from the marvelous Jeet's indian food restaurant for lunch on my dad's lunch break. I ate a heaping plate of curry chicken on rice, the most delicious thing at most indian food restaurants. I've found that indian food is one of the best foods to make you somnolent, no matter what time of day, and that's just what it has succeeded in doing today; because i am fervently tired now. My dad and i talked about how my test is on wednesday, and i still don't have a care; but that's where the true dilemma lies. I have spoken up, saying i wanted a toyota or some other four cylinder car that'd be good for gas consumption, but my dad is talking of giving me a six cylinder oldsmobile. I mean sure it's black and pretty cool inside, but gas and the amount of money i'd have to spend going short distances would nullify that fast, and who's to say gas won't go up even more. If you think about it, we're going to have to switch fuels sometime soon, since we've been having so much controversy over global warming and pollution with the kyoto talks. It's inevitable that we'll switch to some less pollutant, less ozone destructive fuel system with less negative repercussions. He wants fix up the white Oldsmobile and give me Kalaigh's old Olds(the black one with the dents all over--at least all of it's doors work, lol), which means we'll be like the Malhotra Mafia or something--Audrey and me drivin black Olds 88's and my dad driving a white one, the godfather. But in all honesty, i don't want to get it, and the only way i'll get a gas efficient car is if i find it somewhere for cheap and a good deal with few miles and yada. SO, that's that deal. My dad and also talk of whether i can move in or not, and he said he'd like me to live there; but there's a a few strings attached. I'd have to work around the house more, there's not a clean room, no staying out late "like i have been", i'd have to get a job and my license for sure to drive to school and work, and with those strings attached i'm fine. Good to go.

So stuff is going down, here soon, when i get my license and a car and job and move. And, and, and... uhh.... ehh...quit smoking and all that good stuff?

He said he thinks i need to develop relationships with more people than just stephanie, and i said that i'll be seeing people at school everyday, as well as not getting to spend as much time with Stephanie--bummer... i've gotten so used to spending time with her, that i feel like i'm missing something when i'm not around her. I'm okay with not spending as much time together--i know people need there space and we need to develop other parts of our lives and there's much to be done in the next year--as long as we don't lose the connection we have, the love we have for each other. i can't do that.

my poor numb and somnolent face

Peace in homies.
I got my fillings taken care of today at the Beavercreek Family Dental, trying to smile all the worry away, sitting there while they ask me questions they know i can't answer. The stark truth is their hand was down my throat and clogging my mouth...How can i answer a question with all that going on? My face is still recovering from all the novocaine they administered. It's moved now from my tongue and mouth, invading onward to my chin and cheeks. Novocaine is so invasive... I made some cheezy bread earlier at my dad's on rosendale Dr, afterward realizing that I can't sink my teeth into the delectable cheezy bread without biting my freaking tongue off in the process. So here i am at the library, writing a blog entry. Bet you have no idea why i'm at the library doing this... Bet you're wondering why i'm not at home around people i know and love writing this blog entry? I can't say all the problems with my mom's household are directly pertaining to her, but this time i can starkly say it is. What a bitch! Not paying her cable bill, which in repercussions led to the temporary suspension of our television cable, phoneline, and cable internet connection. I'm dying people dying--even though i don't get online all the time anymore.
Yay! The numbing feeling is going away, but, now, I'm not really that hungry, not hungry at all. Paperback writer, the book i'm reading now, is one of those comical, happy-go-lucky novels about some guy who's in montana to finish one of his novels, and all the while, he's been making up scenes in his head, living life with his imaginary friend Tobias Mc-somethin. Really funny book. I've gotten some new ideas on names to call Stephanie, Examples: Spunky, Spunker/ster, Total cuteness(probably better used on david, this one), and Complete and utter cuteness. Yeah david's going to get some of those names, either from me or stephanie, but it's coming, deifinitely coming Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssss wayyyyyyy. Stephanie said she was going to be coming over after school today, and that i should be home around 3:20 or so. Okay OK! GEEZ, i was just trying to let you down easy... Gawwwd. What I'm trying to say is, well.... will you marry me...--wrong famous saying-- I meant, I have to go now.
Peace Out home dawgs.

About time

Yeah, so i figure it's about time to write a freakin entry. It's been eight days since my last one--that's entirely too long. Whats happened to me...I guess i've been too consumed by everything other than the computer. You know? It's easy to fall out of writing and reading blogs for me, because, in order to write or read a blog entry, i have to suffwer through an encounter with my family upstairs--and... yes, that includes my fat, dumb, illogical, irrational mother, who just this last week has kicked me out twice for stupid fallacies. this is just one facet of the whole reason.
But i'll write more on this bia, i promise... not that anyone really cares much... just me i suppose. That's the problem with these online community blogs, Xanga, MySpace, Blogspot, no one really cares about what you say... Or maybe it seems that way. If they're not your immediate friends, then the don't really read through--it's more of a skims i suppose, there's no pondering on it.

I have finished my last drive, but i have bad news following the completion. When pulled into my mom's driveway, my instructor asked, "So do you have your certificate for your driving test?" "Where do i get that?" "Well you get it when you stop by on a monday after this drive, but you can' do it today." "My test is scheduled for Thursday." "We can go see if they'll let you have your certificate today."
We drove their to my driving school, and there was where i was turned down. So now i have to reschedule my driving test tomorrow, since they're not open today, and hope i get it before school starts.
Stephanie started school today, and i hope everything went well with that.

i want a cigarette.

I'm going to sleep again. Bah! Good day.