One Of The Many Balancing Acts

As we all know or have learned from experience, life can be looked at in many ways, but none better suits life and all it's angles, sides, and ways than looking at the balances, which equalize and stabilize all life. I've just stumbled across a personal balance in my life. I've realized there aren't too many ways to elucidate on my meaning besides being as stark as possible, but, in doing so, I will be talking quite personally. I have had this enigma with depression, emphemeral stints of depression, contentment, and bliss--almost like I'm bipolar--until just recently, when I've been bringing up possible explanations with people and kind of venting or confiding my sorrows and confusions to people close to me. I've had an epiphany as to the identification of the problem and what, like many, it is from. I'd like to, first off, explain that there lies an unusual fluctuation in my mood, as if my standard mood is below the average person's mood, and that that lower fluctuation is what makes me so prone to depression. Second off, there must be a correlation between what I am doing and why I feel depressed or blithe, for that matter. I noticed that when I waste my time by watching T.V. or movies and cracking jokes with friends, I forget about my troubles and don't contemplate on important issues in my current life or the world, leaving me ignorant but full of bliss and blithe feelings. Sometimes, on the other hand, I am knowledgable to what is going on in my life and some, at least, with the world--especially after contemplating every once in a while--which leaves me acutely depressed with highs in contentment, but this is the only time I feel productive and responsive to what is going on about me. Naturally, I am stuck in this dilemma of being ignorant but blissful or perceptive and rueful, which leaves me wondering if this balancing act is even possible to obtain, or can it be another part of life left to it's own as fate.

Derrific Escapade Into The Heart Of Derr INN

You may be wondering as to why I have selected the title i have, and to answer that I will also elucidate the whole evening as well as the time subsequent.
So let me brake it down fo Ya.

-Stephanie dropped me off at my dad's house after we spent a good night together. Earlier that evening we had gone with Audrey and her "partner" Mike to a Art showing, or so it was called. We arrive there near 9 with a distinct feeling we were amid many charlatans or art wannabes, but soon after spending a fair enough time there and seeing Steph's creative writing teacher/adjunct (can't remember) we came upon the conclusion that the place was PRETTY FLIPPIN SWEET. I mean there was an open bar and everything--an open bar i hit, might i add. There were people and teahers from all over Ohio. Stephanie and AUdrey read and sing some works. After asking I came up and paced behind Stephanie with wind chimes whilst she was reading a poem, and another cool thing is she gets extra credit for reading her work, since her teacher was there. I think i'd like to go back sometime and read some of mine.

-I spent the night there, and her and i went on an quick errand/run before we went to bed--which ended up lasting about half an hour or more. We woke up, and she'd decided to go to X-fest with some of her friends. It turned out she'd have to pay a lot more than she thought for the tickets, and, if she had gotten sick at the show, she would have wasted a good sum of money. So, She showed back up at my dad's in S-town, Ohio's number one city for homicide.

-We decided we're going to spend more time with friends and give each other a little more of a break from one another. When times get rough, we need time apart. I'm ok with anything that works for us. I love her and i can't see myself without her.

-David and I hung out for awhile and talked about cars. He helped me find some sweet possiblities online. We jammed on the piano for awhile and, as always it seems, smoked a few cigarettes while sitting around.

-For Kylee's Birthday we went to a great place called Derr Inn, which was conveniently and not surprisingly on Derr Road. It was Derrific. We, Kylee, Audrey, me, Steph, Dad and Kara, realized the decore just screamed Derrrrrrrrrr! We had a good time, or at least i did. Stephanie didn't talk much. My guess is she was sick and a little nervous, but that's okay as long as she knows she was invited and wanted there, especially by me. ^_^ My dad bought wine there for the occasion, as well as made a toast to kylee and her health. We're all really proud of Maybob and her acheivements.

-We got back to my dad's, stephanie had to go. We kissed goodnight, and i drove the two sisters back to my mom's where i slept and woke up and went to school and lived happily ever after.

I wish.... but there's always my mom kicking me out and ben being in Juvy and getting a job and a car and all these responsibilities and JESUS! I hope everything turns out okay.

Sincerity Doesn't Grow on Trees

Tree nuts do. I don't know about the older people, but, now-and-days, parents aren't always the best decision makers, or most mature, or the best, well, anything; and what pressure does that put on their children--especially when there's five kids in one household. I'LL TELL WHAT *FIDGIT* PRESSURE IT PUTS ON THEIR CHILD! THIS MUCH: -HOLDS OUT AROUND WIDE-, -GRIPS HEAD AND SLOWLY RIPS OUT HAIR-, and - SLAMS ALREADY RIDICULOUSLY RED FACE INTO THE WALL. I'm dying here, and that's no good. Everyone knows it should be my mother to die. There's only room enough for one fat authoritative bigot in this household and her name is pam. JEBUS CHRIST! What a hypocritical, fallacious, christian bitch. She's been kicking me out of the house all week because i "refuse to obey the rules, yeah", and i'm entirely fed up with it.

She's just so dictating. I can't help but hate authority from someone so stupid. And i'm trying to seem like some problem child or a mundane rebel child rather a fed up one, sick of the irrational crap that he normally deals with. I'm no godsend neither; i have my fair share of problems and fidget-ups, but at leaast i can admit it...

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My Past Few Days in Phraseological, Yet Mundane--and Lulling in Ways, Form
Oh and things with my girl are great,
schools horrible, not to mention money,
not to mention money and jobs and gas,
i can never be in the best of moods for long,
must try harder in school, get my work completed,
not to mention money and cigarettes and a job,
when the word stressor doesn't really tell the half of it,
and your mood is coldblooded, while your obligations aren't,
dissatisfaction, like the school scene from Forest Gump,
yeah, the one where he doesn't get into the elementary school,
and his mother, Mrs. Gump, gets that abhorrent, yet funny, question,
the same damn question everyone with power is asking,
the one every school official, authoritative figure and government official is asking you
yeah, the one they ask before you get screwed
THE FUCKING QUESTION THATS GOES KINDA LIKE THIS:
Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. GUMP?

The Numero Uno Entry of The Month

At least this entry is the first one of themonth for me... Can it! I'm eating a damn good apple, sucking the juices from every bite, sinking my teeth into the beautiful thing, laching on like a vampire, sucking the blood out of a victim. It's almost gone now, the succulent fruit. i assumed the people who do read my blog are probably a little perplexed or bewildered--haha, befuddled-- as to why i'm not writing as much, and, well, to be honest, I have no idea why i haven't been writing in this beast much. I remember the times when i couldn't help but sit down to write when i got home from school, which has started again for my senior year, to put down on cyber paper all the little ideas i could remember from the day. My rememberance isn't what it used to be, or, maybe, with age also follows the common symptoms of the elderly: taking things for granted more often, being so used to the same things said and seen that you just aren't intrigued, aren't interested in what's gone on in the day, hence you'll forget them much more easily. I'm hardly a geriatric man, aged only to seventeen, and i'm not calling myself amoungst the elderly, merely symptomatic of their hindrance. I know i am and have been. So, it's the first day of week two at GCCC. I've got plenty of college-prep classes and/or business-prep classes, but that's always been the fondation of the school. I'm hoping i'll get my ass in gear and start working hard to get A's. That may help prep me the most for college, actually working on my homework out of school. Stephanie and i are still together planning to get married soon, a week, two weeks, maybe a month, but sometime soon indeed. We'll have white roses and white horses and this is completely bull-bleep. No, No. We're not getting married; we're only seventeen! We do on the other hand joke about it. ^_^ brings a smile to my face. I told her to wait until i get a steady career, making enough money to do what i want and to get her what she wants, and, when i get that settled and we're still loving each other, we'll get married. Easy as that. Right adults? Wasn't that easy for you all. Well, Her and i will make it look easy. *_^ I can't too emersed in the subject of Stephanie and i because i won't stop for awhile, at least that's normally what happens. My mom's kicked me out of the house 2-3 times this weekend alone, saying i haven't been following her rules, which means i gotta movein with my dad. lol. That stupid irrational, illogical bitch... oh how amusing you are. If only she knew of the great banter she gives us at dinner with my dad. "So what's the highlights of your mom this week?"--my dad. And we would reply with our plethora of jovial mantras and catch phrases, going on for nearly half an hour before we change subjects. Sometimes, that will be the sole reason we go to eat with my dad, only to speak of my mom and her irrational, illogical behavior. But Hey! What can ya do? This Thursday I should be getting my license and getting a car shortly after, ending the early bus rides and early awakenings. Ben's been getting the girls lately. For you people who don't know my little brother, Ben, he's my little brother, Be, and he's been getting two or three phone calls a day from girls in his classes. I was good-looking back in my middle school years, but i was never getting two or three phone calls a day. What A player... I leave you with this image: Marleipoo sleeping in a laundry hamper at the sumit of the stairs--what a calamity waiting to happen.