April 14, 2005 Comfort < Security

Is comfort worth giving up for security? Our government seems to think so with all these new laws for air travling, but what do you expect from our government, so imperialistic and fraudulent.

Anyways, I've skipped an entry, and that must mean i have plenty to bring up. I've been thoroughly entertained, no doubt. I was talking with my dad and sister over lunch today, and we came upon the subject of emotional maturity. I was amazed at how much our opinions differed. Audrey said that she was too emotionally immature for high school, and she was homeschooled becuase of it. My dad seemed to censure her when she said that when she couldn't deal with everyone at school and had to cry or go to the counselor that that was a sign of emotional immaturity. I said i always thought emotional maturity was how you dealt ith your emotions once you were given that energy; I thought this because emotion is energy in motion. My dad said emotional maturity is something we have. I looked at him like he was a crazy ass, knowing that i get upset often and that by audrey's definition i wasn't mature emotionally. He said how we put others feelings and emotions before ours, how we're altruistic, is being emotionally mature. Being able to think of others and their feelings is something not everyone can do, especially in our society, but it's because of how we were raised that we see things in this way. Not because our family is altruistic but because our family has taught each other to anylize the situation before stepping in. Analyzing and refraining from taking action takes time to learn, and like anything else, repetition. Try to become neutral and not such an aggressor, for our family, it's a given if you want to be safe from my mom. ^_^ What a belligerent bitch she can be, acting like a "freakin frackin" 6 year old with how she deals with somethings sometimes. She'd never admit to it of course, but that plays in with the whole "acting like a 6 year old" thing. I try to expunge those ideas asap, so i can save myself the trouble of acting on them. She's gone to work now! horray!...has my life honestly come to this, where i take pleasure in looking foward to when my mom is gone?

I liked it that my sister somehow brought up the same idea i was talking to stephanie about just last night. i know i try not to be the antagonist in any conversation we're in, but i do realize i can't always help it, accidents happen. What an adage, "accidents happen". I think there's more implied by that than just those two words. Yet, to the skimmer it's easily ignored. This all helps me alleviate these thought from my head.

Michelle took Max, George, and me to my dad's house for band practice. Max and I rode in the back of Michelle's red truck all the way there. Clips: "Max, i've never moved this fast in bed", "well i have to warn you Orion, I'm not very good at pulling out." The ride was nice; air was blowing, and i picked up some cigarettes on the way. We practiced 2 songs very well, and we got all the hits down. Then, en masse, we began this new song max wrote. All the riffs are fast and complex, therefore, all my drum riffs had to be fast. I've been playing more blast beats and using more fills, which is good practice for the shows we're anticipating. It was almost 1 by the time we got out the door. On the way out someone posed the unresolved question, "who all was going to be laying in the bed of the truck?" Guess who it was again?
It is a gorgeous night with all the stars out, a perfect night to be spending with Stpehanie, but she's not here--sleeping--because i can't get her a ride. She's tired anyways. I was laying in the truck bed with max, freezing, looking up at the stars. We saw the big dipper, and we took everything, contemplated and lost track of it by the time we hit North Fairfield. It was like a cold planetarium, and the stars moved in interesting designs while the moon chased us all the way home. The street lights would pass over us, leaving a streak of colored light flashing like a roman candle towards our feet while our pants and shirts blew in the cold wind. It was nice to sit in silence after a long banter with my old friend. The silence and comfort in that silence was refreshingly real.
Stephanie is going to be getting the one, the only, "the pill", but I told her that Audrey told me you can gain up to 30 lbs. from it. I knew it was this easy, nothing is. There always has to be pot holes in the road, nothing can just be a smooth ride. I don't want her to consume some pill that will make her think less of herself or cause any trouble to her in any way. I don't think it was fate that ripped that loop that night, or was fate intential in doing so, just to make things more complicated for us to enjoy each other's...uhhhh, lets just keep it at "enjoy each other." It's her dubious decision, but if for any reason it doesn't agree with her, I'd give up sex, no question. It's like a television without a remote, sure it'll take a little more work, but i still like watching it.
It's getting late, and i have to save some energy for tomorrow, since i have band practice and i'll probably be spending most of the night with stephanie, hopefully not sleeping the whole time at least. I don't feel like sleeping, my mind is everywhere but here. My dependency on sleep is unavoidable, damnit.