Buddhism Awakens

bringing new ideas and new perspectives to my already busy mind. i'm reading Buddhism Is Not What You Think, by some monk dude--i don't mean to be disrespectful, writing about all his findings in the past 10 years of buddhism study. His quotes are plentiful, and he's got a plethora of mantras and adages, similar to fortune cookies. This guy's awesome, and i'm not even that far into the book. Whilst all this is going on, my family has been running it's course, fighting and smiling and fighting and laughing, mostly at each other. We've been talking about E.J. and his speech problem, and how it's progressed throughout the years. He's notorious for his misspeaking and for making it sound like the b word. you know the word i'm talking about: Bitch!

**A Caveat to wondering minds, no you could only get away with this if you're under 10 with a speech problem. Please do not try this at home.**

-scenario A-
"E.J. go tell mom she's a fish."
"ok."
"mom you're a bitch."
"E.J. say, 'I'm going fishing with my fishing poll."
"I'm going to go bitching with my bitching poll."
-chortles and chortles from us all-
-scenario B-
E.J., Dad, and Ben are driving to go get the new four wheeler from some place hours away.
E.J. decides to count the bridges along the way. Hey! It's a pass time like anything else.
"1 bitch."
"2 bitches."
"3 bitches."
"4 bitches."
"5 bitches."
"6 bitches."
"7 bitches."
"8--"
"ARE-YOU-SAYING-BITCHES!? You're not allowed to cuss. You know that!"

I've gotten all my drives scheduled, as well as all of my complications with my driver's license, and i'm awaiting my accommodation. Driving! Yes, Me, Orion! Driving... Watch out on the streets bitches! Boom Pa!

I may be driving with my love up to Van Wert on Friday, if everything goes as planned. I'll meet her grandmother and all of her old friends, as well as well see what little town she was raised in and given her southern, small-town-sounding name in. SLB. i'm glad you're wanting to take me. i'm not much to show off...but whatever you say.

Her my was held up at gun point in west dayton on the job--she's a social worker for the elderly. We were sitting in the car in her driveway in huber about to leave, and her mother came out and said she had to explain why she was acting so funky--i think strange was the word-- this evening. I hadn't noticed she was acting more weird than her normal maternal weirdness, but she insisted she had been.

"I hate to see you grow up sissy-poo. C'mon lets play ponygirl. Pony girl is this "game" where yvonne takes stephanie up on her knee, like she did when she was a wee little baker child, and sings a short song and lowers her hastily between her knees and pulls her back up. It cracked up hearing that quote. Maybe you had to be there. Later she told me, "anyone who loves my sissy-poo, i love. Come sit down next to me, Orion." So i did. And so i was kissed on the side of my head and given a big hug--family reunion style. I'm glad she's nice and compassionate to me, way better than being heartless and incompetent like my mom. I mean, i wish i could name off some nice quotes of my mom when stephanie is around, but they really aren't anything to be proud of. Excluding the commonplace christian antics my mom normally has to offer, she says things from upstairs on the couch like, "When's stephanie going home?!?" and "how much longer is stephanie going to be here?!?" and even, "I told you, I don't want the door closed." -lach and lock sound of my door- I'm sorry my mom's voice annoys you too stephanie, and now you feel what i have for many years.

David's birthday is today, and in not too long here, we'll take our trip to enon and celebrate. I'm going to spend the night and stay up late watching movies and playing games with my old friend. He's turning 18, and he doesn't look a day past 5--i tease, i tease, gaibo. I hope he gets everything he wants and more. He deserves it. Thanks for being there for me, i hope i can do the same man. i love you like a brother. Happy 18th Birthday!

Kylee is working at a female group home, locally, trying to pull everything back together again after her world was shattered. Losing Jeff was such a lose to her, and now so much has changed. She's been online, always taking the computer for unfair amounts of time, leaving me with little time to get online and do what i used to; but i know what she's doing is helping and she deserves a break. She now has two blogs, both christian--i think--, and numerous friends from many online christian communities, ranging from pastors to people in their own crisis in life. She's been supporting the troops by joining online groups and sending out emails to people. She's made me so proud, and seeing how strong she is, has given me a new respect for her and her ways. Whatever works is right, and she's found what works.

This is all i can say for now... I need to be writing in this thing more.

oh yeah

Ok, yeah so i counted, this--right here-- will be my 93rd entry. excluding my other blog. Fucking insane.

To Yellow Springs and the Mall

From lef to right (and upside down) = Stephanie and Orion

From left to right (and right side up) = Amber and David

What Makes Us Like What We Like?

Have you ever wondered why we are into the things we're really into, and possibly, why we've gone so far in the pursuit of our fancies? I've been contemplating, excluding all the other ideas going through my head, on why I've been feeling and experiencing things what and how I do. Trust me, I don't think I'm anything special psycologically nor intellectually, but I come to over analyze situations and how these ideas come to my focus. Is there really some reason I've been over-analyzing things to this extent? Possibly, the most reasonable and plausable explanation to my strident dilemma is the lack of social interaction and the surreal atmosphere or aura I live amid. I'm beginning to assume this change is from my devotion to emotions and thoughts I incur, and because of this conundrum I've been overzealous in my interpretation of my own feelings, moods, reactions and free will. I need to take a break from my own thoughts incurring depression and a plethora of other various negative moods and feelings towards myself. Contentment doesn't suffice for my wellbeing, nor does any other negative feeling; rather, I blithe mood to sustain is the goal.

I'm in need of some sleep and rejuvenation of my mind. I need to rest my mind because it's what needs rest the most, over any physical rest. Once your mind is frozen, so is your physical self.

Composed Of Simple, Blithe Moods

ingenuous thoughts in focus
all the ideas, motives, moves and thoughts
lucidity, clarity, extrication and circumspection
existencialism is crestfallen
incurred and brazen and hated

ACT 2: Quarantine the Addiction

So it's been about 3 days since i've written in this bitch. I'll say it again, I need to write more. I'm lagging, falling behind the crew, not living up to par with this writing stuff. But whatever. Do you care? Hope not.

There's been a problem for many years and finally, now, a solution. This addiction of mine has gotten out of control, and there's nothing I could do. I blew up the tobacco corporations all around the world; it was there only thing i could do! For serious! You'll be hearing about it on the news relatively soon.
Now to get to the truth of the matter, which is a repugnant truth, yet obviously truth, that I'm horribly addicted to cigarettes, and there's is almost nothing i can do to get past that fact. I've quit for a day and a half, but that isn't enough, starkly. So i've started back up last night, only to quit again sometime in the near future. I have shown key constituents in the quitting process, and, now, i know i can quit if i try hard enough. That dawns some hope over me about the whole situation. It has been beneficial, definitely. I know that i can set aside my feeling and wants, confine them, to achieve my goals; it just requires energy and determination. The requisites are hard to muster up but worth it.

My dad and sisters think i need to make new friends and go do new things with new people, new experiences, which i can understand and agree with to an extent. This doesn't mean stop hanging with my friends or girlfriend, just make room for new people and new experiences. I hope i can make some new friends and do new things without losing any of my old friends. I don't think it should be any sort of problem. Since i'm so in love and needing for stephanie, I don't think it's possible for me to not spend a good portions of time with her every week, especially when one or both of us can drive. I must spend time with her, or i'll lose my head. I need her around.

David and i were somewhat talking about this yesterday, leaving out the part about Stephanie. I was hoping that was inferred. We need to spend more time together, playing music and doing busy work or talking. We've both had a long stint in the depression ward of our minds, and i'm sure we can help each other within reason. We can do the usual things together, but i'd like to go do some new interesting and learning events too. I really would like to go to a museum of something, somewhere in the area, with David and/or Stephanie, but i know Steph doesn't, nor i, have a car yet. Maybe a road trip is in order. Sounds fun to me.

Waffle House Spice and Everything Nice

First off, i'm chewing gum rather fast, saying to myself in my head that i can no longer have cigarettes; they're gone from my life forever. It's very irritating to think of it, consequently, i'll think of other things i can do. Like writing!

So i've been going to summer gym still, and i've been seeing things i shouldn't be seeing; example: bigger people--too be politcally correct--getting out of the pool with their butt crack hanging out, guys with huge nipples owning up to their huge nipples with huge THO, and finally people losing their swimming trunks while doing laps. I laugh at all these. We were treading water in the deep end while everyone was playing marco-polo--you know, the fun pool game where there's someone saying "marco" and everyone responds with "polo" so the "marco" person can find one of the "polo" people--and Mrs. Ren wasn't paying any attention to us. Naturely, i had to pull a good prank. I said aloud, "she's not even paying attention and that didn't grab her attention. So, i starting yelling loudly, "where'd Jimmy go, oh my god, where did Jimmy go, he's not here", while looking frantically in both directions, turning fast. Mrs. Ren looked over bewildered and realized there was no kid named Jimmy in my class. She started laughing, saying it was a good one on my part. Treading water is hard when you have to do it without any arm movement, moving your legs in and out as to keep your head above water and holding your arms above the water to show you're not using them. That becomes a big workout. There's only a few good things about going to the swimming pool for summer gym: you don't have to walk 3 miles, you don't have to run laps, and you can just sit in the kids section, collecting sun rays--less or no sweating.

At waffle house there was the common workers, doing their common, everday work routine of cleaning the floors and replacing the light bulbs--okay, maybe replacing the light bulbs is new. Michelle, Seirra, and i were sitting, drinking coffee, and talking about random stuff, and the topic of relationships came up--go figure. Michelle said max bitched her out for not spending time with her friends and, instead, spending time with aaron. Made me think of all the times when i asked max to hang a few months back, always saying he had plans with racheal to do such and such at so and so's. Now that he's having problems with his girlfriend he's complaining that me, michelle, and jer aren't putting their friends first. It made me pissed, grinning on the inside when she said that. Max rarely calls me to do anything, unless it involves spending money to go to one of his shows with his band, and like anyone else ever calls me to hang out--what friends? I still consider Jer, George, Max, Nick, and Chris my friends, but, honestly, when do they ever initiate a gathering, inviting me? I'm always the last one to find out about all the stuff that goes on. I do understand that i have to want to hang out in order to hang out, but they don't even call me. Behh, it's not hopeless, just frustrating.

Stephanie and i had our 7th month anniversary yesterday. I came over to her house after summer gym, getting dropped off by my sister, Audrey, and hung around her place for the rest of the day--it was very nice. Only three cigarettes were smoked by me; she had none. We watched two movie Hostage and Lion King 1 & 1/2, watching as much as we could without getting too distracted by one another. I'd look over and she'd be looking at me and visa versa for both movies. She fixed my shirt and pants, and she gave me a nice shirt with some comedy on it. Hostage with Bruse Willis was a good action movie, and i recommend it to anyone that likes a good action movie or Bruse Willis, seeing as Bruse has a few scenes with his scrubby, i-haven't-shaved-in-week's look. The Lion King 1 & 1/2 was a good comedy movie, making me laugh a few times. Dedra, Stephanie's psycho neighbor came knocking on the door, and we all ignored her. Stephanie's mom said, "if you wanna talk to her Orion, go ahead", and i just laughed. The lady wouldn't leave us alone. I feel sorry for her, but, jesus, take a hint Dedra, no one wants to talk to you. Her mom made some good food, tortellini in mushroom sause, and we ate while watching the rest of the lion king movie, savoring every bite. That stuff was de-freakin-licious. When i had to say goodbye and goodnight, i was out of it, despising the idea of leaving her again. I even miss her now.

Sorry I'm so ADD, I can't help it; I'll be twitchy for the next few days i image, anticipating the twitches from withdraw.

Sorry Ms. Jackson I am for real

Stephanie spent the night last night, and i got to wake up next to my perfect lady, my queen, once again. Looking over at her face with the sun gleaming down from the windows accentuating her beautiful face made me want to cry. I didn't want her to leave. -emo moment- I had a good time with Steph yesterday, watching War of the World's at the drive-in in New Carlisle. Some Bullshit went down betwix my sister and my dad, but everything went well for Steph and me--i think/hope. She didn't say anything otherwise. Audrey and my dad fought over some stupid drama with overzealous tones flashing back and forth between the two. I hate family fights when guests are around--i don't want them to see any of that stuff. War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise and some of good actors/actresses was freaking awesome, full of good creative ideas about an alien invasion. I thought it would have been better if the aliens won, but either way it was put together well with some nice characters. It was still cheesy like all hollywood movies. ^_^
Today, we, audrey and i, took Steph home for driving class that starts at one and then drove to my dad's in Springfield for a suprise visit. We ended up chilling for awhile and moving on in the day to help him get some of his "stressors" out of the way--all that work he's been complaining about. "Bottom line is" I had a decent time just sitting around over there and working around the house, doing odd jobs and whatnot. Cleaning out the garage gutters, I found and threw a dead bird on to the back deck. I wrote some of a journal entry--good for me--and went on a belated--i like that word, thanks Yvonne--bike ride with E.J. where my bike chain kept falling off every few peddles. Needless to say, we went home a little early from our bike escapade, and he was disappointed.
God, my mom is so fucking predictable with her shity motherly antics. "Orion! Where did you put my cellphone!?!?" from down the hall she calls. "Orion are you going to do the dishes before i get back from picking up the little boys?!?" from down the hall she asks, repeating for the forth time in the past 10 minutes. Anyways, she's gone now, thank god. Audrey and i might go to waffle house to get some coffee, but i'm not sure if i want to go with just her, seeing that we might talk about the same things again as we did in the car. Sometimes she doesn't even listen to what i'm saying--or at least it seems that way--and says something coming irrelevant to what i was talking about. "Max's mom said she paid 78$ for both their cartons the last time she bought them, and that she's not buying any more cigarettes; she's quitting." - Me
"I have something on my nose, did i hurt myself? Oh, thank god, it's just a zit."- Audrey

Well, maybe I'll change my mind about going, maybe not, but, for now, i'm going to read a bit and smoke a cigarette out front, where the sun is going down and a pretty sunset is about to start.
Oh before I go. Happy seventh month Anniversary my love. I assume that you won't be reading this until tomorrow, so i'm posting it now. I miss you right now, and i hope you're having a good time, doing what ever it is that you're doing. -kisses-

Bonfire in K-town, Life is a Bonfire.

I've been pretty bored today so far, amazingly from the lack of stuff to do--or is there? I think so anyways. I've been reading this book, The Da Vinci Code, and wondering what's going to happen next with every page turned. It's flippin good, learning information on all this cool stuff and following a suspenseful story. I might go to a bonfire in K-town tonight, but i don't know if Audrey wants to. I should just to get out, even though i know that to see George and Max will make me question myself and dignity over the band thing. they're going to start playin shows and stuff, and i don't know what to think, whether to support or subvert, discuss or disguise. Whatever it is i do, it is a folly or loss and will remain that way, regardless of further discussion. Shity shit. I'm rather bored right now but thankfully not hurting from the extra 2 hours of summer gym today, which went smoothly slow.
My dad is on his business trip to Washington D.C. and i hope that everything works well for him with his meeting and appearance to his superiors. But i'd like to be there in his hotel drinking some rum as i normally would, following him on his business trips. I'd like to see another hooker in some alley on the way to dinner at a time way past any normal person's dinner hours. I'd like to wake up to some freaking awesome breakfast with as many refills as i can handle, eating and talking with my dad over coffee until we have to leave for home. I miss seeing the bums under park benches and in makeshift tents in public parks, wondering why they don't seek shelter in the homeless shelter--i guess it's too dangerous for some people with commonsense. No point in over-dreaming something that's not happening anytime soon.
On the topic of friendship, I've been thinking about the same thing, Stephanie. Where have all the good men gone? FRIENDS, FRIENDS! -corrects himself- Anyways, i guess there aren't any real good friend for anyone anymore. I think that people aren't as courteous as they could be and not as social as they could be--this obviously applying to me as well. Maybe we've been neglecting our friends too much, but there is just reasoning--i think, for me at least--in our actions, even though it jsut slips my mind, half the time, to call people when i said i would. I've been feeling unaccepting of my friend's behaviors, not entirely, and that leads to me making an effort to avoid them--not speaking of david. It's all this shit i need to work through with them, but with how audrey was treated and the ramifications of her talks with Lisa make me want to avoid the talk facet as well. I hate prolonging the situation too. There's no right answer, or at least it isn't black or white.

my eyes are beginning to hurt

My driving school is so freaking shity. They still haven't called me back yet, which is bringing me to a new credence that makes me want to end their lives. -laughs like a villain- I guess I'm going to call them again tomorrow and see if they've scheduled my drives or what the fuck the deal is with all that bullshit. I want to hurt them. MMM.
I went to summer gym today, and it was fun--maybe i'm being a bit hyperbolic. We walked around the bus loop twice, which is a mile, and then we made way for the Rodery Park, a mile and a half away. I listened to one of Chopin's, the classical pianist, albums once through each way, there and back. We got there and ran for the shade of the canopy, wherever it may be found. We played some softball, me and my old team from the last 3 weeks of gym, except two newbies, both named Melony. Very strange. Coincidence... Our team has been together so long that we know who is good at what position, ended up beating all the other teams we faced, severely--one was 15 to zip. Walked the mile and a half back to the school in the blistering, hot sunlight, sweating out whatever we drank and a little more from the day before. We got back at around 11:15, and the gym teachers took attendance before telling us we had a half hour break. 11:45 rolls around with no authority figures presence or dictation, leaving us bored until 12 when they called us back in. They took attendance again and told us we could leave.
I ate Thai food with my dad around 5 at the new restaurant, which replaced Asian Palace, Ban Thai. We talked about little things and Audrey and how she's ben and kara and everything that came to mind. Most of it was about the food actually. I don't know what to think about my relationship with me dad anymore. I love to spend time with him and hear his ideas and metaphors on everything; he can be very creative and smart. We're going to the drive-in on Friday, and Stephanie is coming--yay!
Stephanie has been missing me to the point where she's been feeling down about my absence. I feel the same way sometimes, and i just don't want to do anything--not even sleep. I miss her and wish i could lay with her, holding her in my arms. It usually hits me most at night. It's our 7 month anniversary in four days, Sunday. Wow, we've been together so long, and it still seems like a short stint.
The Da Vinci Code is a damn good book. I never thought it would be as good as it is; I can almost not put the thing down, damnit. Dan Brown knows what he's talking about, and what a fine story teller he is.

Budding on my finger tips, touching you I start to bloom

I went with audrey over to my dads place on Rosendale to meet jer and chrispy, sitting in our driveway blaring his sub and new sound system, playing some bassy Prodigy dance music. It sounds really good. Chris said he'd been messing with it for five hours to get it to sound like it did, and it is very equal in many ways, treble to bass and "what have you." We talked for awhile, about ten minutes or so, and Chrispy said it's getting late and he has to work for ten hours tomorrow, starting at 8 A.M. Long work days! OUCH!
I stepped into my old room at my dad's, finding a bed sheet rapping my other half wardrobe that's been there ever since i lived there. When i turned on the light in my room, this gigantic grasshopper jumped all over the place and finally out of my room, making a light clicking noise as it hopped it's way out into the old laundry room. The little beast freaked me out at first. I took my old keyboard and the clothes when i left, leaving the bare floor showing in what was once my everyday room, leaving my old routine and memories again.
I played one or two drum beats while audrey and jer were talking some, making sure not to go all out and play enough to really annoy them. Audrey was talking about lisa and the talk she had had with her, saying some harsh words but true words, words degrading lisa. I loved it, and i'm not ashamed to say it. Audrey acted like what she said was tawdry, but jer and i didn't care. He knows how bitchy she gets, saying so eventually. I miss jer and the times we used to have, and we really need to start hanging out again, doing something together. He lives down the street, so it's not like it's something hard to go about.
As usual, Jer and Chrispy said that i should give them a call or they'd call me, said the usual culmination to banter in suburbia. I told them the same.
Tomorrow is another day... and hopefully another poetic day. like my stanza? -disappears into somber mist-

jump the train if it means hiding the tracks

I cleaned my room! GO me! I'm flippin bored off my a-s-s and thinking I'd rather be anywhere but here right now, just because of the boredom of the same damn house and how languid my interest in anything here is anymore. I burnt 2 CD's for Steph, The Faint Albums and Dirty Three, because I was planning on bringing them to the drive-in we were supposed to be going to with my dad, unfortunately he cancled on us, still going with Ben and E'j. I'm pissed about not being able to go, but I can't seem to stay on the subject very long; that's no suprise with how ADD I've been feeling lately. I'm glad I haven't been feeling depressed--I have some interest in things right even though I'm rather bored in the overall scheme of everything. I have an strong urge to quit smoking today, now, keeps coming up that I need to deny myself the next cigarette. So much easier said than done. I always lay down at night with the same thoughts about quitting smoking the next day, but now I have a wall that won't let me pass any other ideas through, saying in bright, loud text, "ignore that next craving."
The damned Driveright still hasn't called me about my drives and how they were originally planned to be scheduled like 3 weeks ago. I don't understand how they can't have me on a list to schedule my drives, they don't understand how much this has been fucking with my mood, god damnit. -sigh- I can start harassing them everyday, which I probably should've been oing already. I hate doing all this work for something that isn't supposed to be this hard, but then again, I need to give them some motivation to fucking schedule my damn drives. I wanted to be driving by mid-summer and going to places with the Stepher, places that we'd like to go or places she'd like to go. Jobs are too much work to obtain too, and I'm going to need one to pay for gas. Wow, growing up is a pain in the ass. I'm glad my little brothers don't read this ever; I'd be saying some horrible things they shouldn't hear, or shouldn't hear from one of their role models, their older brother. hmmm. So much to do but little interest in any of it. I have to force myself to do the same things over and over, hoping that in some odd way I'd begin to enjoy them more. I know it's true and works because I've been reading and enjoying it more. Some days aren't good days for me, feelings of depression and languid interest overwhelm me, making me want to change this cycle I'm living. This damn routine I've suckered myself into is creating bad feelings left and right. Looking on the bright side of the matter, I'm getting better, slowly but surely.
Stephanie has betrayed the blogger world! Okay maybe that's a bit too extreme, but she has been Xanga-ing tons lately, talking to all the other teenagers around the cybersphere. I've been questioning if I should make a xanga to get in on some of the action that seems to be awesome or something. lol. I don't think I'm not social enough. Almost forgot the 'not' in that last sentence--that would've completely redirected the meaning of that sentence. We've seen each other everday this weekend, and she's not sick of me. Wow, this is what love is, yet another definition. I love her and i miss being around her, even when i've seen her so much recently. Everyday, I want to be able to lay with her or hold her or visa versa.

You Threw That Over My Head?!

I've done so much today that I'm having some trouble in the recollection of the list. Where's my memory going, when will it come back? I need it...
Audrey, Kylee and I picked up Stephanie and drove over to David's house for Independence Day. I don't feel too independent, by all means. Stephanie spent even more money to get us there to her place, and the extra bit on some cigarettes for ouuu-dra-nah-nah, my sister. It's nice to get out with Stephanie.
We hit some balls, tennis balls, around, or at least we can say we tried, while half the time knocking them right over the tennis court fence. My brothers were an annoyance, but nothing we couldn't tolerate and eventually subdue/subvert(in Stephanie's game in pool with them) in time. It got hot so we went swimming in David's pool.
Oh yeah, we rode the ATV--we don't know what it means, not yet at least--back through the paths in his backyard, stopping at David's and my's favorite spot in the path to smoke, "the usual spot." The ATV started smoking, and David just seemed to think everything was cool, while I hoped.
David and I played some music with our dads, old stuff that we don' like much, but it was for the experience, for the fun with our dads, I suppose. You could tell they were a little drunk, and Dave's, David's dad, was singing a few songs. It was hilarious seeing my dad sing "message in a bottle" by who knows.
All this mind blowing music was being played whilst Stehpanie was beating both my little bothers in pool, to later lightly boast about it. How could you ignore the magnificance? -smile-
We ate tons of good food, the traditional American grilled food--i don't even have to name it, it's that common-- and sat around with good conversation, for the most part.
Now it's time to sleep for the night, only to wake to summer gym. -brakes smile-