April 21, 2005 Fragments Of Thought

Even with the lagging browser speed and horrible proxy, there’s been enough time for me to glance at the news. Technology and science/nature are the only pages I would commonly view, assuming there’s no big headline in business or Africa. After listening to what the has to offer today I suppose I’ll check out some black and white fine art photography, my favorite, and hopefully print some out. No printer problems today because if there is a shortage of ink, there’ll be hell to pay. I don’t want to have to strangle people, but they’re doing it to themselves… They should see the baleful looks I give them when they walk up to the printer; better be thinking, “what’s he staring, why isn’t he looking away…shit, he’s pissed.” I do have the seat parallel to the contraption.

Environments are what I’ve taken a likely to specifically, but I reserve some interest in all, green tea art archives, the artist’s work, even though some of this is not my fancy. People, portraits, or animals are disappointing for two reasons: redundancy in the photographic world and for the simple fact some animals really aren’t that pretty, at least I don’t think so anyways. The poetry I wrote last night must have a name for both style and expression; what’s poetry without a name, and, well, I don’t know if anyone would know what I’m talk about without the title. Titles are misleading; there’s never a title that fits perfectly, but then again, most are just clever associations to the topic of the work. I think simplicity will suffice. It’s a poem about laying on a bed at night, with so much to reflect on and so many things to distract; it’s just you quietly struggling for clarity in the peace and solitude of your on home. Depressingly enough, I know I’m not the only distracted by this material web, ready to catch your attention and suck your individuality dry, but just like any other, I am willing to use it to my advantage. Persistent deep thinking is what will lead to my death I tell you. I can create a myriad of questions with no answers, and occupy my time for an entire hour while I try to get to bed; sleeping has never been this hard for me. There must be a root to all these ideas, and a reason they most occur when I rest my head for sleep. I do try to pan off the conundrums I get myself in to during the day, but there’s nowhere for me to place my interest when I’m trying to sleep. I don’t see anything but blackness, and that’s the perfect habitat to breed insecurity and anxiety. Do I have some problem I need medication for; a medication to help me forget the enviable fears and questions a human has. I retain my thoughts and feelings in varied ways. I don’t only distract; simply, distract from the unsolvable questions, or, accept and try to forget to move past them and make it palatable. I can’t help but think the time I’ve spent vexed on the subject, already, has been somewhat of a waste, but, honestly, there’s nothing better I can do with my time here; Spending time with friends and family is what I want right now. The only place I can remain comforted and secure with my thoughts is surrounded by the people who reciprocate banter and silent love for each with each other. Since there’s no logical answer to these lifelong questions, there’s really no solid reason not to destroy yourself or others besides feelings; Feelings, moods, and expressions are just as real and just as obviously impacting as the questions I pose. For what better reason than love, for myself and others, do I live? There’s certainly not anything material worth living for, that’s worth all this trouble, but what is good without bad? Why would there be suffering without a relief? Would that relief be the best relief? I can’t imagine anything better than seeing a sunset after years of darkness or the contentment after a loved one leaves the hospital or taking a bolder off a crushed limb or loving again after a divorce or adulation after a job well done. Feelings and emotions are the strongest motivation a person can possess; it brings light and inspiration to an otherwise bland world. I am not neurotic, just incompatible with easy makeshift solutions to important questions. Back to balancing, juggling work to play, and once I get that down, maybe I could add another variable in. After releasing my indignation onto paper I can only progress from this point.