Can't spell crap without rap

My mind is permanently trapped in worrying mode because of this dreaded feeling that i've let Stephanie down, that i've fucked up royally by not calling my favorite, most thought of, admired person tonight. I've had shit tons on my mind, but that feeling is present like a blury person in the backround of a photograph. I said i'd call her back around 7 or so, the last time i talked to her, but now it's 12:20 and far too late. She's pissed, and i know it. I guess this will all pass; all our worries will be gone by monday.

I've been running my mind on overdrive all day with no sign of braking, and now i just feel pulling back into my drive way and sleeping.

I have a new stepmother sicne my dad has gotten married. He tried to hide his marriage from the whole family until today, my sister's graduation and his first day back from Jamaica. The graduation ceremony was a hoot and a half. Every parent and child willfully embarrassing themselves for all the strangers, and somehow they seemed to get some sort of pride out of it. They, of course, have a reason to be prideful; they're all graduated with a highschool diploma from a prestegious Christian homeschooling program. I had shed a few tears during the walk up to the stage. Audrey walked perfectly straight wearing her maroon graduation gown, looking very proper and important. The music playing was the usually aisle walking music with no mistakes or replays, played live by an older lady in a white dress staring intentively at the walkers. Audrey was trying not to look anywhere besides straight ahead like a driver in a race. The race of her life has just now begun, and everything up to now has been taught for this time. Straight-faced, dark eyed stares running down the floor, but nothing was registering through her sporadic, intuitive mind. There probably wasn't anything besides the aisle.

Every other person was a christian mother crying from the sense of accomplishment, remembering all the great and beautiful moments their graduating child had experienced up till that moment. I'm sure they were reliving their own graduation in their heads like someone walking through a house they used to live in. Thinking of all the emotions they've had from the event, and in the end, remembering all the high school memories. The looks their son or daughter posed would be an instant reminder that things have changed, for the better or worse. All the emotions only momentary, but like a snapshot of the past, still enough to make you think or feel like you were there, then, just as it all used to be.

I watched the photographs of these strangers flash on the ovehead screens, examing the faces and backgrounds, and i had a feeling that i knew them in some way, even though i'd never even seen before. I had some connection with them like they were in the same shoes as me, still confused about the world and searching for some ultimate truth, as if there was one to find. These kids, with their Michael Jackson noses and complexions, teddy bear necklaces, shoes, bedsheets and stuffed animals, hobbies, dreams, and perceptions; flashing on the massive television screens like nothing special. Their life stories were summed up in a 20 second slide show--how diminutive a show for such an important representation. These people, like me, had their own hobbies, parents, brothers, sisters, lives, and confusions; they all weren't ready to move to the next phase in life. But time isn't courteous, and there's no stopping for a break of thought: live, live, live.

Audrey was sitting on stage with her class, staring down at the floor for a few minutes while the guest speaker was presenting his inspiring speech to the newly awarded young adults; when she looked up all the sudden, exposing the tears running down her cheeks with a big red-eyed face. Whether a joyful, pride cry, or disappointed, sorrowful cry, she was showing us this meant something important to her; and we certainly heard that loud and clear. She was reflecting, i suppose, on everything that had led up to this point in her life, like watching a documentary of her past in her head. I'm proud of her, even if she's made mistakes; who doesn't?

I was intentively and stubbornly staring watching these pictures flash thorugh and through until it got to my sister's representation, when i started to wonder when the show was going to end. I culminated in an explosion of confused claps and whisles. Everyone, i'm sure, was hungry, since the show had out last usual lunch times and was approaching the dinner time. Sure enough we got to leave the auditorium for the second part of the graduation, the dining room and refreshment area.

It's late, and i'll finish this tomorrow.

The coolest beer label I've seen

Fallacious Composure

formulate my eulogy to the masses
to such wastes before time's site
irrevocable time for your use
and frangrant bliss of tastes to be worn

indelible those tears for care
or tame with a facade of silence
my sacred tradition of yours
calmly and triumphantly discreat
tears torn altruistically
we'll never transcend our nature

your innocuous complexion
my innocuous dupe with banishment
listen clearly and sire accordingly
your tears torn lie inside
permanently kept or forging

Epiphany? Just a faint touch...

I had a good day yesterday, though it did end abruptly and my time was short lived with Stephanie. Stephanie came over, and everything seemed to be in it’s right place as the song says. I enjoy the banter and fragrance of her bout me and my room. I felt laid back and lighthearted the majority of the time she was there. I’d have to say we had an ample decision to be made, and it was made well. Only she knows what I’m talking about, so don’t be pretentious or guess… I really have been writing in here nearly as much for a few reasons; I’ve been reading outside the cyber world more for much of the time. When there’s not much else to do I’ve been spending time playing starcraft with my old online friends and two of my good friends, David and Young. Very recently, I’ve been looking at a myriad of poets and there work, some complicated some comprehensible, but all very interesting and all have the ability to keep my interest. I end up slipping into my introspective state of mind, where I tend to over analyze what’s going on around me, transiently. I’ve been having problems keeping my head on straight because of my habitual lack of prioritizing, and don’t act like you all have your shit together… We all know that is rarely a truth. My variegated room will being changing more soon, since I’ve decided I need change to keep my sense of productivity up. I’ll just move furniture around nothing to big or anything. My desk and bed must move, or there will be some mental confliction with my lifestyle. I NEED CHANGE, even though it’s not always a positive change. So, what I meant to say is that I need positive change and more of a balance in my routine. I’m feeling burnt out on what I’ve been doing, which still consists mainly of staying home and thinking or talking to my friends. As the days pass, I notice more-so that I’m falling behind on my driving and becoming even more slothful around the house. Maybe, my mental state has been fluctuating between good and bad so much that when I do feel good I’m home alone or others are in a bad mood in my household, and visa versa. When I finally get around to feeling like I can start doing some work that’s expected of me, I have become obligated to accommodate something’s or one’s responsibilities; which leads me to not getting work completed when it’s supposed to be. SHeshh… I need to get my priorities settled.

Oh well, today is the last day this week, or something,--so my mom says--that’s going to be clear and warm enough for me to bike up to the driving school sometime after school, as well as… weed the front yard. Oh, I’ll weed the damn wretched yard but with little effort or the least work possible. It’s good, I’ll just block that out of my head until it comes up with her. Work work work, and play play play. Is that all?

I was reading about some of these old philosopher’s philosophies about life and change. Heraclitean believed that everything is forever changing, so no state we’re in will last, not even death. It’s a very interesting idea but I think he’s got such a radical view.

Life, Purest Life

As dark as the night may seem,

its bright with my adventures.

As barren as the sky may seem,

its streaming with birds.

As Lonely as i may get,

the closer i am to myself.

As boring as silence may sound,

its the music of the universe.

As i think this,

As i walk through this,

As i whisper to myself,

I think how life is just that;

Beautiful.

Wow what a day.

This is not so bad... I have a decent feeling tonight, besides the constant wishing Stephanie was at my side. As she said tonight when we were laying next to each other, "it's nice to just lay here since we've been talking on the phone a lot." And it was nice, but for now i want to sleep because i don't have the energy to read much, if any. I really wish my eyes weren't so dry feeling because if they weren't, I'm sure i'd read some before i pass out tonight. I read an article on the mind and why we lie-thank you simpleton-, and it made me think how everyone's worries are centered around themselves and what they're going through. Selfishness is something we all have problems with.

Here's the article: http://www.sciammind.com/print_version.cfm?articleID=0007B7A0-49D6-128A-89D683414B7F0000
Enjoy! I did. (i'm too lazy right now to make it a link, so you're going to have to copy and paste.)

I'd write about the article, but i'm too tired; and now that i think--if it's not interupted by my mom's loud complaining-- about it, i'm too tired to write anymore. Tomorrow is a different story, where as I'll write a myriad of ideas in some listing or freewriting page, hopefully; and publish my poem.

Alarms aren't nearly as alarming as a Brother

I feel like this, and, so, why won't they let me sleep.

Goodmorning everyone, Ben and E.J. had no one other than mwah to wake them up this morning. I compliedwith my mom's request, and i hope she'll comply with mine: let me sleep...PLEASE!!!

Meh...SLeeppppppp. I got them their bowls out, and they take it from there. Ben and E.J decided to go with the Fosted Mini Wheats, a wonderful choice i would think. Marley the old black cat of Audrey's care is meowing steadily, only interupting to lick itself clean. I get out the milk, and the poor old kitty damn near has a heart attack meowing. I get out E.J.'s shoes, and it follows me all the way to E.J. meowing its old blackish gray ass off. Poor old kitty. I really think it's trying to tell me, "please, killlll meeeeee....killll meeeeeeeee." You can hear his death cry from anywhere in the house.

E.J. just brought up a good point. It's the 24th, and that can only mean it's GEORGIE'S BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE! I have to make sure to tell him that today. I could never forget since he's five days older than me.

If you think you mumble in the morning, you must meet my little brothers.
Me - "what kind of cereal do you want?"
them - "wed, box issatoymac to milk, i wannatoskintrusd to, it's 6:20 in the morning."

Hey stephanie, i think you finally left a good mark with those pearly whites of yours. I was looking in the mirror last night whilst brushing my teeth trying to figure out what that annoying pain was. Sure enough it was your "love mark." Love mark lol... pretty funny, but not as funny as the stretching que or the making whoopy saying. Oh well i'm tired and i really want to get back to sleep. Figured if i have time i might as well write a little. Nighty night, or good morning, OR GOOD DAY!

Dim lights cast shadows resembling bruises on the walls and floors

My Preoccupation
My mind is scrambling, franticly moving from subject to subject; it's up to no good i'm tellign you. I think this means i should be going to sleep, but i really don't feel like it. I don't understand the feeling, and i'm not sure anyone does for that matter. I hate when i feel down in one way or another and i don't understand why because i feel so out of control. I think we've gotten the feeling sometimes; the feeling where nothing can satisfy your needs, and you don't know what your needs are. Patience, i guess, is what i need to feel better. I need to sleep away these bad feelings i have. Time will solve this problem i suppose, but it won't help it from reoccuring. Reoccuring depression is mostly likely what i have, as if they can diagnose something as misunderstood as ideas running through one's brain. I'm tempted to start taking anti-depressents, but as soon as i agree that i should get them i realize they don't know what they're doingto your head; and i'd rather stay "au natrel" or as close as i can be without starving myself. I realize this is all in my head, and that there's ways to better control your emotions.
If it's worth reading, it's on indianTimes books
Indian self help books
I don't know where that came from. The web is so infinite, and so easily searched with google. You can find help with jsut about anything here. How to mend just about anythingOh the comedy just doesn't stop. I'm too introverted to laugh, and i have trouble by myself anyways. I need to start waking up and smiling again. That habit has slipped away over the past few weeks. Smiling in the morning is great for my mental health. Well, making a habit out of smiling can't be bad right? Smile if you feel down in the morning, when something gets to you, if you feel physical pain, someone calls you names, if someone passing you on the road, heck even if someone takes something from you. Just smile it off. Smile it off. Ha, i can see that be some dumb couseling mantra, kind of like, "walk it off" in the sports world.

I drank a cup of coffee about 30 minutes ago even though it's around 11:24 now. You do the math! I've been having dizzy spells for a while now, and the last happened while i was coming up the stairs. Good enough reasoning for you to do the calculations. I know these spells can't be from dehydration because i'm a big water consumer; consequently, i'm a big bathroom attendee as well. It's gotta go somewhere. it all can't leak out my pores.

I've been noticing that cigarettes are on my mind more than they were a year ago. Iy can only mean one thing, and that's some gypsy put some curse to bring some pestilence into my life; as if i need any more annoyances. sheesh, i have two younger brothers, loud and obnoxious, and two older sister with their hypocondriac and nuerotic worries, not to mention my mom with her insanity from lack of sleep and dealing with us all. Back to the issue at hand...I need to reduce my use. that rhy-i won't even say it. It's becomming a huge source of debt, and i know it's hurting me more than i can feel or have noticed. I think i just have that luck. Even though my immune system is SUPER MEGA STRONG...ok maybe that was a hyperbolic statement, but i really haven't been sick in a long time since these dizzy spells this evening. I think the dizzy spells are mental; i'm just missing stephanie too much. That's my problem. I wish it was that easy... I'm thinking stephanie's guess could be right; the whole i might have food poisoning. Ehhh fuck food poisoning and from pizza of all things.

Tomorrow is another day of work... and i'm try to look at it as if it's going to help me with my balancing work to play. Play being anything i enjoy, even some work i take pleasure in. I must finish this website in the next day so i can do whatever for the rest of the school year in lab. I think i'm passing. God i better be passing in lab; that bastard better not fail me. I help people with their work; isn't that good enough? Honestly give me some proficiency test on the programs because i can prove i know what i'm doing. It's just the fact i have things i hold more important and higher on my priority list: reading blogs, bettering my vocabulary, talking to people through email, daydreaming, sleeping, and all of this to try to feel better. Okay, maybe some of those listed above shouldn't be on my list of priorities, but...-sigh- tell me what life's all about... Sometimes i just feel like giving up on those small requirements as if they really prove anything about me. Damn schooling and how it's a prerequisite to an income.

I have to get up around 6 tp wake my little brothers for school tomorrow. Stephanie will be sleeping! BEHH! And so i don't have to ride the bus since my mom said she'll take me when she gets back from work. YAY, this means i have time to go back to sleep until 8 tics up. So i'm going to where my uniform shirt-WAIT, I JUST REMEMBERED! we don't have to wear uniforms these last two weeks. Oh my god... I'm going to wear the most offensive clothing a person can wear, a red floss bikini to bring out my beautiful disease. Although that would be freaking hilarious, it'd also get me kicked out of their school; and i don't want that.

Goodnight, it's time for me to retire to my bed, and hopefully dream sweet dreams, preferably of stephanie. It'd be nice to see her again. Peace Outy 5000

Is this place a house or home?

Welcome mat at my entrance as well, and could that be what defines this place a home and not house. Is it a place i feel welcome because if so, I'm sure i know a lot of people who don't feel welcome in their houses. Mehhh..? i just don't know.

I stayed home from school today, read some of hannibal. I found myself reading so slow and squinting so hard from the lack of light. I had so much on my mind; i had to watch out for my mom to get up; and i had to listen out for any noises inside. She wasn't as pissed as i thought she was going to be when she found me downstairs in my room. I'm such a juvenile delinquent, or at least that's, i'm sure, what the police would call me.

I tried calling Michelle to see if she'd pick me up, but she didn't pick up, sleeping most likely.

David's been writing more, and i love reading about what he's been doing throughout the week. This may sound mean, but it's not that way. I'm glad i'm not the only one who gets bored and feels shity throughout the week...I love that guy like a brother. Hopefully, he'll continue this.

My mom just called me upstairs just to get me to come upstairs i guess. Once i got up the stairs, she looked at me and said sit down, and once i sat down, she just sighed and stared for some time. So i went back downstairs, and she yelled down that i had to weed the front yard by nightfall... I hate weeding. I wish i was one of those people who appreciated gardening to the extent that weeding wasn't a drearily daunting tasking, but that's just not how i was raised.

Well i have to take back my prom suit with audrey anytime now, so i gotta be getting off. I miss stephanie, but isn't that a given? mmm i miss you my queen.

Maybe my Deathbed

When there's so little time and so much ahead, I believe there's some response forced; your body and your existance making a hard attempt to comprehend what is happening. All the memories, blood, hopes, and fear pushing on the dam walls. You could experience so many emotions in your abivalent state. Crying with laughter and immense feelings leaking out every possible crack, and held back by the drugs to subdue the pain. Like some abhorrent nightmare, you're unable to escape the grip of life pulling you to itself. Just like that water when the dam brakes, your energy and emotions build and release into your end, when your existence desists. I'm sure every breath is felt as a precipice; it, like life itself, as ephemerally lived as that breath just inhaled. A final conclusion to your life with beautiful naunce, when the echoes fade to hum of silence. A routine of existence and it's traces left behind as if it was never really there. It all repeats in that hum, cycling infinitely.

It's Vibration

Most of life
I hear it
humming down the street
humming it's existance
the trees blowing
the fan turning
the river running
the static silence hums
I understand finally
this is everything
everything harmoniously humming
softly vibrating to life
compiled to this

Our Kinship Cloud Carrying

like a presence
even silent
as if looking foward
not past
to anticipation of placidity

brief though accumulative
like setting a temperature
or adjusting a dimmer
as to leave an ambience

stenciled into memory
carried like a tatoo
as though its been forgotten
or misplaced on your bookshelf
until you see
looking into your mirror
a revelation overlooked

all this and more
from our connection;
trusting banter wistfully
our mutual cloud above

The School Day on Prom Day

The female orgasm, she said, "is for fun."

- Dr. Lloyd.

I was hopelessly stuck in the blog world for about 30 minutes, relentlessly focusing on this article about female orgasm. I have deemed the subject dead in my mind…some things are not meant to be analyzed like that.

Now that I think about it, it’s almost the same feeling I got when I was exposed to my parents nudity. That feeling, accompanied with the urge to wash yourself, and scrub yourself clean of the Oh-my-god-please-let-me-think-of-something-else thoughts.

And you get the recovering feeling, which is the idea you’re never going to have sex again.

Oh so gross…ewwwy *nasty images*….ewwwy *desists from the thoughts* I think Dr. Lloyd should apologize.

But, I progressed tons on my website, I’m still going to work on it next week, I know it. I’m such a slacker…I mean, I know I am when my teacher asks who’s going to need next week to finish their project, and I’m the only person to show his hand.

So everyone seemingly gives me a smirk and shrugs, knowing they won’t miss out on anything anyways. You know, the same reaction you have when someone breaks something that’s not yours, ya’think, “AWW! MAN! What the –censored- did you do?!?! Oh well, I guess it’s not my problem.”

Robert Smith is such a feminine pimp with that voice of his. Makes me want to dance,

Oh…I guess, you caught me in a lie.

*Daydreams* Eating food from “the man”, who this time around, is masquerading as a young white suburbian girl selling burgers to the fats.

prom-date-in-waiting

Expecting her to arrive in her luscious gown any moment, I'm pacing like some nuerotic man expecting a new born or somthing. This is getting out of control.

Even my sexiness can subdue the anticipation; I'm almost jumpin out of my seat. Oh, I can just see Stephanie now, hustling to get ready becaue she hasn't called me yet, which is a perfect premises for my feeling. Or she could be having the exact oposite feeling....Oh DEAR GOD SHES HERE!!!


WISH ME LUCK BITCHES!!!

When Reconciliation is Unavoidable and Conforming isn't Reforming. (written again)

When getting your beliefs to be in agreement with truth is a necessity, and being in agreement doesn't correct the lies.

Straying from what we know as fact and the way to live in this life is like biting into a delightfully fresh fruit with no teeth. Awareness and contemplation are necessities to resolve the problems with society and to better our lives. When your mind has settled down from the daily adventure in society and focuses on the media or other trivial activities, you begin to cherish the time spent being content with life and despise the constant emotional dragging that losing yourself in society brings you. Time (or God?) only prolongs the suffering of one’s over-thinking on this subject as if you were some uncivilized and incomprehensible animal unworthy of attention or mercy. Is it only me that is affected? And is it only me that thinks all this justifiably trivial bullshit and society’s hold on our minds is degrading, demoralizing, and essentially digressing us from what really is held as truth above all? Or are the thoughts buried so deep under the skins and minds of us all that they're unconsciously ignored when they surface and are noticed and felt by even the best of the self controllable individuals? Is hiding your feelings a trigger to protect your mental health? It certainly is a factor. When you’re alone and left dwelling in your memories, it brings the most horrible and rank ideas to your mind; and these ideas create a spiral, leading you down. They leave you with no wishes to be a part of society and their ideas because it uses you as a tool to promote its stupid, false causes. I certainly don’t want to be a living representation and billboard of these unreasonable and misleading beliefs and lifestyles that are shown for us to live and mask what is true. There’s nothing for you to do besides sit because there’s no way to change what everything has become. Becoming a pillar of establishment for society and their belief's causes gets you almost nothing besides distraction and regret for what you’ve done once you are alone and truth sinks in. The sitting and waiting is hesitation to advance or a distraction society's future, and is seen as a bad choice and a waste in society’s stalking eyes. Hesitation and contemplation are to be nurtured, not ignored, and respected, not misinterpreted, only because it is the our absolute right. No matter what, people shove “help” at you, and they ask you questions that are not supposed to be answered hoping to lower the population effected by revolutionary thoughts, as if it was a disease to be tolerated but regularly hated. If you really think about the problems and solutions of the matter, contemplation is a must for the basis to heal this problem; fixing the flaws of this cage we’ve built around us is the real reformation of our culture that brings so much harm and toil to so many more than it does not. No respected or influential person looks at a beggar as a learned man with respect, instead, looking at them as flawed, a burden, or an embarrassing mistake of the system. Although there’s evidence by some great thinkers for society’s view of the beggar and for it’s truth, it is only because of society’s misdirection that the beggar is portrayed as slothful and not a revolutionary. Our generation, born into all this madness, has been tricked by the politicians and their supporters out of our health (with the promotion of all these unhealthy foods and mindsets), life (with all the mindless violence and wars they support), and wellbeing (with what their lifestyle really brings us) by forcing their past mistakes of choices on us. You are then asked to help them by prolonging the madness, keeping your mouth shut to their faults, tolerating the catastrophes, continuing the ways and education they give us, and consuming their products the profer for our use. It is becoming such a waste to even think about the problems and complain, but it is such a mistake to never think of all this ever.

What a Flub

I think I was caught talking to myself, but I was so dazed with the surprise of it all that I’m not sure. I was sitting at my computer like always, and editing an entry I wrote a few days ago. So I kinda got into it? Soooo… do you ever catch yourself mumbling aloud while you edit. Oh you don’t—Shaaadup!

I mumble aloud all the time when I’m reading, sometimes without noticing and other times because I have to in order to be able to comprehend what I’m reading with the shenanigans my little brothers and mom create.

Speaking of being caught, I mean since we’re or should I say I am on the subject—I should say I, like simpleton said, I’m talking to myself right now… ::feels insane:: Last night I was talking to my queen, joking about black preachers and how forcefully overzealous they are, and all the sudden I hear from upstairs, “Orion Malhotra!” I opened the door and my mom’s yelling from upstairs at 9 or so at night, “What were you doing?!”

Later on that night I found out she didn’t know what I was doing, but she doesn’t want me making fun of any preachers in her house.

I didn’t even know what to say to that…so I just shook my head, amazed at how stupid my mom can be. What could she have thought I was doing? Worshiping the devil? Beating up a black man? Denouncing Christ?

Been there, done that. Used to worship Satan and denounce Christ all the time back in elementary school; it was a schoolyard game for us.

Hopefully that doesn’t offend any Christians, and if it does…lighten up, I’m entitled to my opinion same as anyone else damn it. (Who am I kidding, Hey Steph! ^_^)

I pick up my tuxedo today after school.

Boom Pa! bow tie and all. Audrey said she likes the long tie more, but I was thinking I’ve never worn a bow tie to a formal gathering. But then I got to thinking, long ties are pretty nice with how your lady friend—or guy friend, can’t rule that out—would grab the tie and pull you around. As long as it’s not too hard, I have to pay for malicious damage ya’know.

I can’t be the only one who would enjoy that…

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, 10 DAYS TIL MY B-day.

I’ll give anyone who guesses the age I’m turning correctly one of your choice:

quarter, hug, kiss on the cheek, eskimo kiss, or spanking.

Stephanie, you can have them all, you don’t have to guess correctly; you just better know what I’m turning.

This is from yesterday sometime...

I’ve been in lab for nearly three hours now, and just now I am thinking about leaving, only because I have to, of course. Looking at some ideas on the web, I ran across so much interesting material that digressed me from my work too many times. I want to read more of Heart Of Darkness but, then again, I just want to read anything, because I don’t specifically feel like being here as usual. On the other hand these computers are pretty nice, and with Firefox there’s almost no difference between my home computer and this, which just lets zone out and no longer notice believe I’m here. I’m going to have Stephanie over today. I’m really looking forward to seeing her, even though it hasn’t been that long at all. When I see that sweet lady of mine and her face, I’m going to grab her roundly and pick her up with a smooch. I read a new quote from Emily Dickinson yesterday: “Truth is such a rare thing, it is a delight to tell it.” She’s right, it is a rare thing, absolute truth that is. Anyways, my peers are all getting up out of their seats anticipating the asylum’s bell ring. And there it is, the fresh ring of change, sounding me to my next class… ehhh, math. Goodbye for now.

When Reconciliation is Unavoidable, and Conforming isn't Reforming

Digression from the true substance of reality is like biting into a delightfully fresh fruit with no teeth. In times when fog clears the mind, one would enjoy avoiding the conceivably apparent fluctuation one's state of mind is subjected to by society; but time prolongs the longevity of one's attention frivolously. Is it only my source of indignation that degrades my perspective of life, or, being so subterranean, it is justifiably ignored when noticed by even the most coherent of us with his or her mental health a factor. Solitude and remembrances dwell, evoking the most abhorrent tastes in your mind; leaving you a sloth in society with no ambition for becoming another tool working on corrupt foundations to mask what has been created for us to live. Conforming to an abutment shape and holding up the works accomplishes nothing more than unnecessary regret after reality comes to. Reluctance to progress or digress the whole of humankind is seen a crime in science's keen eyes and a mistake or waste of space in society's. Hesitation is something to be nurtured not ignored and respected not misinterpreted because it is immutably right and deserves recognition for the thought behind the pause. Regardless, people spew rhetorical questions trying to abate the quality and prevalence of "society's disease." Philosophically, contemplation is a necessity for the foundation which people can pursue the reparation of our faults, bringing true reformation to a culture with subterranean malice. No one will perceive the panhandling man a venerable ascetic but a burden and ultimately a folly of society, although that poses empirical truth by even the most open minded subjects; it is only because of our misdirection these people are judged as sloths and not revolutionaries. Our generation has been tricked out of the health, life, and wellbeing by the past's mistakes, and are asked to help-insinuating the continuation-the inclination by keeping your mouth shut, tolerating the catastrophes, continuing the ways and education, and consuming. What a waste to complain, and what a folly to forget.

Fifth grade would've been o much better if I knew what I know now

So i read my little brother's book for his book report, in like 35 mins, which is mega fast for him. Its called How I Survived Fifth Grade. Oh gawd some really lame jokes in this book. anyways this will concluded my lame night and, consequently, my lame entry. My little brother such a loser for picking out such a lame ass book like that...omg i remember the days of fifth grade.

Sanctified Mondays

Oh Mondays Mondays Mondays who doesn't love them, ehh?
Oop day doop, i'm sorry mindlessly bored and daydreaming of eloping with Stephanie, my queen.
The queen of the my heart, "awwwwe."
I can see it now, running of to some far away land,
not too cold, not too hot, not too close to the equator.
Because Stephanie can't handle the sun's stare,
she'd flee or she'd, consequently, start her tribulation, which is starting to resemble a Coka Cola bottle and less like the queen of my heart.

Daydreaming, what's better?

Oh well, tomorrow is Tuesday, the best day of the week,
or for now, it seems like it is; it's so close.

I won't have to daydream.
I'm a Philogynist for her alone.
what a lucky guy, that Phil.
Must'a really liked women to have a word named after him.
He also could have been a transexual, because he liked women so much.
Either way, he's absolutely, deliciously, ignobly cool...in my book, sorta.

Well let this be the beginning of some drollery.
I have no life...

It's Monday Again

And it's morning as well...My mom has called and said for me to find another ride, but i asked Kylee and she can't, classes at 8. So i'm waiting around for my mom to get back from work, and, when she does arrive back, I'll pop the question--no not that question...sicko--hoping she'll give me a ride. It's 7:50 now, so it shouldn't be too long before my mom gets back with the word.
Stephanie called me to say "get to school"--i'm trying--and good morning--oh it is. I love that girl, but that's for another day and another time. Maybe I'll get to stay home, and if I do I get to sleep in more as well as "get to" do the dishes, which I don't really mind; I'd just rather not go to school,
not now at least.

Huh...Mono! Stay the hell away!

Yesterday, I went to my dad’s new house in Springfield with Audrey, and we picked up Stephanie on the way. I got to see her really cool creative writing project for a little bit. She’s got some serious skills, watch out world. We got there about an hour after we were supposed to, and Stephanie didn’t get online because we (Audrey) took so long, which I feel bad about. She’s A okay now. We spent sometime at my Dad’s and ate some ice cream. Awesome ice cream, if you’re an ice cream lover. Starbucks ice cream is awesome, especially in coffee ^_^. I tried to feel awake, but I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I’ve been needing a lot more sleep lately to feel alive during the day, otherwise, I’m running in auto through the day, not getting to notice the beauties of the day. Stephanie took some pictures, which I’m anxious to see, of the new place, including the hopelessly cute animals and great views that come with the package. I got one of me looking out over the land, which is cool. I want a copy, if I can get one. Once I get a camera, I’m going to make Stephanie my model, for any picture I need a model for. I want to get a manual camera, but developing isn’t something that I could do without tons of work. So I’ll end up getting a digital camera and just Photoshop-ing them. You can open them in the grey scale, which is black and white, and shit tons of grey shades you don’t get with RGB color format. Stephanie looks so pretty in black and white photos, and I’m not trying to say her pale skin makes the light reflect back in any weird way that would make any bad changes in the exposure. Her fair skin is so fucking beautiful, and she is fucking radiantly amazing looking in black and whites. I know from Photoshop and the grey scale, I’ll print one out for you to see Steph. The on of us at the mall, and It’s a damn good picture of us. I like how horribly real it is, and how I didn’t realize at the time I looked that bad; but regardless you said I looked good. I love you. What would I do without you Stephanie…VHAUT!?!? I don’t know what I’m doing today besides going out to eat with my dad and Audrey (before my dad has to leave for that two week trip), and make sure I tell him prom is a week from today, so I must get a dress, I mean suit…suit, yeah. And I want to look something like James Bond with that sumbitch on, if I’m paying a mass sum of money, but hopefully I’m going to get a discount. I think I will be able to; Brandy’s dad has always been a nice man. I’ve just been in a writing mood today, so many sentiments to express with Friday’s ambiance hung over me. I worked on the project only a little today in school. I think I’m going to brainstorm on this thing a little more, and since I haven’t really looked at my computer at home for files I want or burnt the CD yet, I’ll have some sweet time to spend conjuring up some good ideas. Next week is when I start the HTML and CSS writing. Oh I can already see the books on the desk… I hate doing tedious searching in the index. Oh well, I know I’ll get a good sense of accomplishment when I’m finally finished with this project. There’s no way I can fail if it turns out how I’m planning it to; the teacher won’t be able to. Well, It’s lunch time.

Peace.

Oh, and Korey has Mono, and he's in almost all of my classes, but luckily I don't feel tired or anything.

ascetic – n. - A person who renounces material comforts and leads a life of austere self-discipline, especially as an act of religious devotion.
somnambulist – n. - someone who walks about in their sleep.
shill - n : a decoy who acts as an enthusiastic customer in order to stimulate the participation of others.
Today’s words of the day.

Yes, you guessed it they’re all nouns somewhat relating to my dad so far, and my vocabulary from prior days this year. What’s truly funny is that I’m should have been a little more negative with more word choice because the senior—whom I found is a half-day student, thank God—who left all that trash on my keyboard and computer desk has left something new today, something hidden and wonderfully hidden at that; but nonetheless I’m leaving the words of the day as they are, because these are some ideas that have been on my lately. An ascetic is what I’ve been searching and working to become for a longevity lasting from when I was 11 or so until the present day, but it’s not something to pursue halfheartedly because you’d be wrong and incomplete in doing so, which is why I can’t even say I’ve come to a be an ascetic at all. I would like to consider myself someone whom doesn’t think material items are important, but that’s nearly impossible, being a citizen of this country and being yet another consumer in our consumer culture. It reminds me of Buddhism because monks do renounce material comforts and live life on a different plain of life, which, being who I am and from where I came from, I think it’s a boring life to live. Isn’t it? I mean, can you image living without your favorite movies, music, clothes, and food? It’d just be straight up lame as hell, although this is coming from someone born and raised in American consumer society. I’d hate not having a computer or anything of that sort. It’d just be completely and utterly lame as H-E-double-hockey-stick. (I’m reminded of the night at George’s place in his driveway when Stephanie and I said that hell thing at the same time, that’s a mantra if I’ve ever heard one.)

Oh I just had a good laugh, with pissed kitty talking about her “weird ass week”, as she calls, and how she would prefer to get killed by means of bouncy balls pelting. Quote un quote:

“
And last but not least, I almost got brained when a Hi-Bounce ball hit the passenger side of the Crankymobile. (Which is extremely silly, and unfortunately not available as a death sentence, along with electrocution or lethal injection, because I would definitely pick the stoning by happy rubber balls.)”

Happy rubber balls, I love them. She’s great.

Anyways continuing with my words of the day, and since I’ve spent a bit too the fucking hell much time on ascetic I’m going to sum up my thoughts on the other two words fairly fast-as-hell.

*somnambulist, yeah…. I think my little brothers are one of those, er something… kinda…

and last but most definitely not least. A shill, which makes me think of the annoying shaking you get when the wind blows it’s icy breath on the back of your neck, could be looked at in the same way we all look at testimonials on infomercials or Oprah magazines (Stephanie I love you more than I love fuzzy-no-noes of all kinds, but Oprah, please, pole-ease, are trying to kill me by warping my mind’s image of you and distorting my love to culmination and burial?) because testimonials can be decoys or fakes that are usually a little overzealous about whatever they’re giving their testimonial on to usually stimulate the others to participate; kind of like when you tell all my potential customer passer-bys on the corner that I’m a good fuck, and they are completely stimulated into purchasing a timeslot in my slot—I can’t believe I just said that. ::cringe:: ::makes panning jaw movements:: ewwwwy ::almost a bitter beer face.

Oh god, Depeche Mode reminds me of the wedding singer with Adam Sandler, even though I’m almost certain he doesn’t play any of their songs throughout the movie. Just reminds of that guy that kind of looks like a girl. “words are very, unnecessary, they can only do harm.” They’ve got some nice lyrics though, concise and pithy.

drollery - n 1: a comic incident or series of incidents.
There’s a word of more relevance to my day so far than any other for so many reasons.

Actually this deserves a little something special like a title.

The Senior Drollery

That senior that left heaps of trash on my keyboard and desk has struck again, striking my cup holder that doubles as a CD drive (very nice capability.) Since this dude can’t be a man and just clean up after himself...wait…do men do that?...Anyways, this wannabe douche master is still holding a grudge that I told the teacher; I’m assuming this from the very concise note he left on the Kid Rock CD in my cup holder, “fuck you.” I figure this means he’s still pretty pissed, awe poor guy, he had to learn his lesson regardless, and that lesson was:

Indian respect 101

(it goes something like this, but I’m not too sure, I’d have to look it up in the Uber Curry Indian handbook of American discipline.)

Don’t fuck with the Indian power or you’ll have to clean up a big mess, thank you, come again.

Hmmm, all the rules end with that phrase, “thank you, come again.” Well I guess that explains a lot…Anyhow, I was mumbling to myself as I sat down at my clean computer desk, “wow, this is pretty nice.” And Mr. Rose butted in saying, “Yeah, he was really angry when I told him that he had to clean up his mess.”

“Well, I’m sure that guy hates me now, he’ll beat me up if he sees me, so can we just keep me anonymous and on whole thing on DL.”

“He’s not a big guy or anything, but he’s one of those guys that would try to beat someone up over something like this.”

“Great…Thanks, on that note, if I’m out for a few days, you know where I am.

No, NO, I can run pretty fast anyways.”

ACT I: The Ephemeral Bliss Agents

Philogynist - A lover or friend of women; one who esteems woman as the higher type of humanity.

Misandrist – someone who hates men.
Misogynist - One who hates women. adj. Of or characterized by a hatred of women.

Those are the words of the day, because I damn said so, that, and they’re words we all don’t use enough, clearly. I say this because no one walks up to me in the halls of the prison (school) when I’m flipping off the annoying twigs of preppy bitches and calls me misogynist. Actually I’d probably stand there dumbfounded for a minute or two, just trying to recollect what that meant again. Thunderstruck face just gaping at the lady, and yes, it would be a lady because no guy besides me would look these words up; but if you gave a lady enough anger, men, I’m sure they’d be pissed enough to look up new words they could use to describe you better and bitterly. Only a women would get that disrupted from a simple gesture as a flip of thine middle finger. Thine fingers point towards thou females, let thou head frailly drop towards thou’s home, THE BITTER DEPTH AND REPOSED! I like talking like that, it’s fun, you all should try it sometime. We could start a new/old fad or whatever; bring back the good-ole-days you know?

What was that?!?

Oh stop being a such a misandrist bitch, bitch!

I tease, and I hope you don’t look up even more words and names to call me to describe your hatred for me. And clearly you would have me all wrong because I am a definite philogynist. I am! Ask my best lady friend ever, my girlfriend, if I am! I’m such a philogynist that, if I was anymore of a philogynist I’d be gay. That’s right! I said it!

Breathe it in.

Don’t question my sincerity, or I’ll revoke it. No, no, I can’t help it, I’ve grown up being taught those morals of treating ladies better than men, but regardless I treat them a lot alike and in the best way I know of, as if they were of the same on my plantation, a slave. –snaps- “ice cream, now—snaps—before I decide to give your meal to the dogs this evening.”

perdition n. - Loss of the soul; eternal damnation.
ehhhh. People haven’t seen or woken to perdition until I have them stay over at my mother’s place when she’s worked the entire night before… Ouch, only then could you understand the full meaning. World War II, that ain’t shit until you’ve felt the baleful stares and iron clasp of my fair mother and her selective hearing actions.

Anyhow, I hope this dress Stephanie gets will be something of the delight, because I know it’ll be that way for me. I think her moms going to have a flash back to when she did the whole prom thing back in the day, but I hope that doesn’t interfere with the contemporariness of it. I do believe they’ll be some controversy over what is appropriate and so on. Wish I could be there, better than being here, in this damn lab. Haha, with all these people just unknowingly annoying and disrupting my peace and serenity--not to mention, this feeling I have in my gut, like I’m just about to let go of a large load I’ve been carrying over my shoulder for a long walk, not so much a relief because this bag contains something extremely valuable to me, my contentment with the day; who’d want to let go of something that wonderful?

I’m listening to upbeat music, Pinback, and hoping to feel better, but I see that there will be no challenge in that, because not only is this lab nearly complete but for some reason things seem brighter, for now. Forget this, my other classes during the day go so freaking fast that sometimes I actually want more time in some of my classes, just to finish the work they’ve set out for my attention and grade. All it takes is a little time, focusing your eyes on the work, and the next thing you know your class period is almost over. What a graceful feeling, apathy is the only similar feeling. I must choose to look ahead to the end of the school day but not too far, or look back to what has happened, which normally leads to bad thoughts of the past: time wasted, people wronged, regrets of all sorts, and resentment of people.

Forget all this.

“What about those people in the slaughter houses who deal with that sort of shit all the day long?”

“Yeah, this guy was prosecuted for kicking some chickens out of his way--Just kicking them--I mean, for one, they were about to die in two hours, two, they’re chickens, three, you probably ate them, four, you didn’t notice.”

“::laughing:: yeah, I heard about this guy who was in deep shit for taking chickens and throwing them at the wall”—“::laughs:: yeah, yeah”—“by their heads, ::uses hand gestures and arm motions to describe the manner of the subject:: just like laughing with his friends, throwing them at the wall, what a job!”

“I saw the video of that on T.V. ::laughs::”

Part two. Ephemeral chuckles and banter glances

**intermission**

But first, mantra - A commonly repeated word or phrase

So like when I say, “get your eyes outta ma-pants” or “Groper!” or even “What’s up you?”

“good, just like that” ::laughs::

**__and back to the story__**

The note I left yesterday for the senior whom assumes my computer when I’m through, the second half of the day:

Dearest Sloppy Person, (who sits here after me)

Could you not leave empty bags of chips on the top of the desk? I really don’t mind if the trash is in the drawer. Please be courteous and stop this insolence.

Thank you,

That will be all

P.S. Kid Rock?

So, today, the bell rings, we all stumble into the classroom looking for our computers,-- funny thing is they’re always in the same place—and I see my computer with chair atop the computer monitor, the weird tradition the seniors have—I don’t know if they realize that can screw up the monitors—with a shirt over the keyboard, even more trash to the left of the computer, the drawers wide open with shirts and lunch trash everywhere, and the note crumbled up and on top of everything, as the focal point of the image’s beauty.

What a douche would do that to me? Unless it was a joke, because the note itself in the beginning of all this, yesterday, was a complete and utter joke, by which the teacher had overheard and did not pop even a diminutive smirk or sign of acknowledgement. I don’t think Mr. Rose was happy with me for my reaction or the senior for the mess in the first place.

But to continue this whole laugh and give me something to do in between my project here during lab tomorrow, I’m going to leave another message on the previous message in hopes of fulfilling my ambition of contentment.

The continuation of the letter that was crumbled and thrown atop the heap of trash on my computer desk:

P.P.S. do you know what taberknackling is?