My Preoccupation

Search Apocalypse Now and tell me if it looks good to you(it'sa movie)
Well, i understand where you're coming from when you say it shouldn't be like this, but i just don't know what to say. I agree with you on the matter nonetheless. Maybe this is why we need time apart besides the progressing and developement of ourselves. So many questions with no right or wrong answer, nor straight foward plan, although i do think we should be open with each other on what's on our minds; sometimes it's not always the best thing to do. I'll cheer up, but that won't stop me from always going up and down. I'm not always depressed. And i know you're not. It's in my nature to anylize and even over anylize, but that doesn't give me any reason to foward the thoughts to you, nor complicate a situation merely on the grounds that it's on my mind. I'm sorry i bring about these times, i sincerely mean/meant no harm by them. And it brings hope to this air when you speak of riding this shit out, because i know i'm willing to toughin out for you and for myself, and it gives me a sense of security. I hope I'm not more of a burden than a carrier of yours. I can't be any more sincere. I need you to talk to me, and i will listen to understand to the best of my ability. I want you to be as real as you are with yourself to me, and i can't do anything besides that on my part. To look at the same situation from to perspectives is better than one. I am proud of you for how you've dealt with me, and i love you for it. I wish i could go back in time to change somethings i've said and done, but we know the reality. We've made it this far, we've climbed this high, we've even looked down at our path, and we're still ready to climb.

I love you, i love you, i love you.
Your burden and your carrier,
Your lover,
Orion Malhotra

P.S. Call me asap about tonight @ my dad's cell, i'm holding it so don't worry about any angry party on the other side. I tried calling you but no one is picking up.

I'm done with the typing out the date, when it's alrdy freaking here

Yet another thing i'm no longer going to do is writing the date at the top of this damn entry as if people didn't know the date of which it was writen anyways; stephanie is the only one to read this stuff anyways. Sometimes David will stop by to check what i've been doing for the past few days. I'm sitting here in front of my computer moniter eating some of this spicy turkey sandwich, which is pretty good, and drinking some coffee, which isn' that good. Well, i guess ben has hit little justin, from across the street, right smack dab in the head, and he decides that if he runs inside he won't get in trouble. How wrong can he be? My mom is murdering him, literally; i wish it was literally sometimes, like right now. "I'm not the kinda person that's going to let someone hit me and not hit them back, I'm not going to because i don't want to, and i want to make them feel what i felt." He's a little thug, and from yesterday's dinner with his hovering over stephanie. He threw the orange on the plate making a loud annoying crash, kinda like the noise i would make him hear when i kicked his ass. I wanted to smack him for being such an immature asshole.

I really liked sleeping next to stephanie last night, and when she had to leave she told me to stay and sleep, which at the time sounded very good. I think i like when she spoons me more than spooning her.... hmmm.....nahhhhh, they're both about the same i think. Oh that was some damn good sleep too. My mom had to wake me up like the insensative bitch she so clearly is to ruin all the awesome sleep. Sleep where i had a grin on my face from where stephanie was lying next to me. What a bitch. She told me that i left the front door open last night and it had been open all night long. I said i don't know what the hell she talking about, but once i became coherent i realized stephanie probably left the door open thinking audrey was coming out that door, when she's been going out the garage door. I say "Oh well", because i laughed so hard when i realized stephanie had done it. I imagined it so very well, Stephanie walks up the stairs barely awake and with her eyes slightly open, and swings open the door walks out, and slides into the car without much thought. Ohhh just the thought of my mom being upset brings a smile to my face.

April 28, 2005 accusations and contemplations

Your movie star name: Vegitables Pran

Your fashion designer name is Orion Manchester

Your socialite name is Dudus Beavercreek

Your fly girl / guy name is O Mal

Your detective name is Cat Beavercreek

Your barfly name is Apple Hard Liquor

Your soap opera name is Michaelis Prudence

Your rock star name is Snickers

Your Star Wars name is Orimar Malste

Your punk rock band name is The Tampon

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Orion Michaelis Malhotra's Aliases

Your movie star name: Fruit Pran

Your fashion designer name is Orion London

Your socialite name is DUDUS Van Wert

Your fly girl / guy name is O Mal

Your detective name is Kitty Beavercreek

Your barfly name is Apple Hard LIQUOR

Your soap opera name is Michaelis Prudence

Your rock star name is Supercool Eyes

Your star wars name is Oripoo Malste

Your punk rock band name is The Happy The Tampon

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Hiatus - A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break.

I don’t specifically like being disappointed in myself, go figure! But this morning was especially challenging, for I had told myself I was not going to indulge in a morning puff, and when it came to, I gave up and dove right for the deliciousness known as a camel filter. The regular brand of mine, and everyone else I know of course. Let me tell you, I’m not going to say it was bad because of it though, because frankly it was much enjoyed in the silence of my room.

Stephanie, mwah, calls me this morning so awake, up, and energized and awake; and tells me that she’s never called me in the morning before. Yeah, very true and I’ve had plenty of mornings where I’ve thought: I’m going to call Stephanie to see what’s up, and present her with a phone kiss as well as a wish of love for the day; but I thought maybe she’ll be in the bathroom or not awake enough to say anything, or maybe her mom would get pissed or something; or even have a frog in her throat, which would be fucking hilarious might I add. So, I hear this real light knock on my door, barely woke me up to tell you the truth because I’m used to the dramatic pounding of my mom as if there were some apocalyptical event going on outside in our front yard, in which case my school better be fucking closed, and she should let me sleep. Ky Ky, who will become my next of kin if she continues the nice wake up calls, just lightly says, “hey Orion, you got to get up… you have a phone call, it’s Stephanie.” I thought to myself, maybe she’s skipping school, maybe she’s needing some encouragement or love or attention, maybe she’s hurt, maybe she her mom died, maybe her brother died, and my ideas just kept getting worse and worse. No No, I was so far off, luckily(thank god); she wanted to tell me to have a good day, how sweet. I am having a good day pumpkin buns, lol. That’s a knew one, even for me my queen. It’s coming up on 10:00 now, and sometimes it’s hard to believe all that time has gone by already; but today is not one of those cases. I was thinking maybe I’ve been slacking on getting my license too much for not only my mental well being, but for Stephanie and my dad’s mental health. If I don’t get my license not only will I freak out because I’m dying from the repetition of my daily routine, but I can’t help out the people I love: Stephanie, Dad, Max, and various other friends of mine. I feel like I should be more involved in things that have some social interaction, that’s good for me and my other antisocially inclined friends. That’s just a thought. I JUST FUCKING WANT MY LICENSE SO I CAN GO OVER TO SEE MY QUEEN. You know, my queen is supposed to be at my side; she’s not supposed to be gone this long. There’s a shadow imprinted on the ground behind where she used to be, by my side. Mwah.

Audrey’s been freaking about the end of the world, and she thinks that this new pope is uber ugly, UU, with his face reminding her of the character she wants to call buffalo bill from Hannibal, the sequel to silence of the lambs; but I keep contesting that accusing him of being the character Mason (he’s rich and lives in a mansion) with face that’s all Fucked up right there. You know who I’m talking about if you’ve the sequel to one of the best flipping movies since… since…I got nothing…wait THE BEST MOVIE EVER IN HISTORY EVER—Primer, a science fiction about time travel(which really is a good fictional story). I think it’s funny they can say some of these fictional stories movies use are “based on real life events, and based on a true story.” I saw some movie about these male prostitutes in Las Vegas; who make a living off the tourists during the summer nights doing what you know you wish you could do for a living. It was saying it was based on real events and a true story, where it is clear that no one could really know what the fuck these people were doing when they went home at night; I say that because half the movie is each of these two 14-17 year old boys at their extremely shity abandoned McDonalds warehouse wannabe renovated closet of an apartment places think and narrate themselves. In the end of the movie both of the boys end up dying; one finds the other raped and left in an alley stripped, so he loses it and kills himself by jumping off a cliff. This movie was actually a very good movie and I kind of hate the fact I can’t remember the name right now. It’ll come to me when I least expect it.

You know a cup of coffee sounds good about now, and I know where and how to get some of the good stuff in this temporary drug rehab wannabe school. THE TEACHER MESSHALL! Bitches I’m a coming, my crackers. No, I’d really have to create some diversion out in the lunch room, which is connected, and wait for all the teachers to come out to check it out, as so I could run in all James Bond like, rolling and flipping for no apparent reason, to smuggle out some sweet Columbian juice. Mmmm.

Oh my goodness! Lunchtime. I’ll type later on. For now, I’m off to see what’s for lunch.

O Mal out. ::drops it like it’s hauuuuuuuut::

April 27, 2005 You Forgot your tea

I woke up, and it's freakin freezing in my room. I guess the heater isn't fixed after all. I was shivering; i guess I pushed the comforter down past my stomach. I put on my beanie, so i'm staying warm now. My mom went to the store to get something for Ben's project for school. This gives me time to scribble down some stuff, before I head off to school and can't write in my blog for awhile. I'm going to enjoy today, besides the incessant restlessness from lack of sleep. I still feel good. Stephanie and I had a long goodbye last night. It meant so much to me. I got all teary eyed, and i hope that doesn't bother her. I was sincere with everything i said, as sincere as i could possiblely get. I'm taking that Vitamin V, so school should be interesting.

Ben almost walked out the door without his tea, WHAT'S HE THINKING!?!? Obviously not right.

April 25, 2005 time seems to stand still when you're introspective

or does it?

April 25, 2005 time seems to stand still

Staring in this machine.
Blurred my vision in contemplation.
I can no longer check for adjustments,
my thoughts sink away like this concerto.
It climbs it's harmonic scales.
I climb my harmonious thoughts.
They fall to a quiet whisper,
and muted by my hand.
As do my thought's spiral down,
and are muted by my conscience.
Thoughts are jumbled and turned,
searing all sides.
It keeps all them in,
and makes for a deliciously abhorrant dinner.
Would you like me to serve you some?
I can prepare it with some decore,
try and focus on it,
you'll need to if you want to swallow.
Set to bake until i'm conscience again.
I'm in hot water.
I wish I could drown in the feeling.
Ignore my screams,
as i do.
Let me clean up,
mask the framenting of my rotten thoughts;
company is arriving.
For a moment there I felt myself let go.
Why are they uneffected?
Can you see what is in front of your eyes,
with all it's complexity and humor.
My discontentment,
same as yours,
remains subterranian.
Eyes shut.

April 23, 2005 we'll reconcile and grow greatly

It's been a rough night, but it's led us in to a greater understanding of one another, possiblely the best worst thing to ever happen between us. I think we'll grow stronger because of this, not only of comprehension of one another, but of friendship. The future is unseen and i predict a bright day. I wrote some metaphors, that she read.

firefox screaming yada yada, PIPELINING!
1. Enter about:config in the Firefox address bar to edit your browser configuration.
2. Set network.http.pipelining to true. (You can toggle it by double clicking on it.
3. Set network.http.proxy.pipelining to true.
4. Set network.http.pipelining.maxrequests to something bigger than 4. I set it to 10.
5. Create a new setting called nglayout.initialpaint.delay and set it to 0. To create a new setting, right click on the page, select New and then select Integer (since this setting is a number).

That's all there is to it.

April 22, 2005 Passtimes To Pass Times

The sounds I awoke to this morning were far from my mindset, and with only a few minutes to prepare for the trip I light myself another cigarette. I glance at my reflection and capture the moment and sound in a mental photo. The feeling of some conclusion stunk, and it eventually ruined a peaceful ambience the rain had managed to procure. I arise to my clothes and change my pants; there’s nothing better than what I’d previously selected. I’m wearing the same clothes. I throw the school shirt on overtop my applause shirt, and can’t help but stare in the mirror wandering; but I have a theme of thought. How do all these drug addicted degenerates play off as hard working technically advanced students, who are going to assume the position of “the future wave” and get first picking from the college’s and corporations? Oh, it’s these pretentious shirts; I forgot. For reasons unknown to me, people actually believe we’re bustling yuppies. I’m no modernist. I’m no traditionalist. How I see the future… is how pessimists would look at a half empty cup of rum, blurry and ravenous to forget. The pure cream of society is doing nothing more than masking it’s insides, waiting for implosion; hiding it’s indecent and shameful features, feigning bliss and happiness in their way of life. Don’t buy into it like so many believe. Truth be told, the future is our standards, not today’s standards, regardless of what activists say. Don’t think people should litter our streets with cars and pollute our habitat? Make it a way of life, make it socially unacceptable by living your beliefs. It’s not something that’s easy, but it takes a voice, even if diminutive and quiet, to influence. “Cool” and infamies are what define our culture, not democracy, not freedom, not equality, not sincerity; and I don’t want to live in a culture of make believe.

Well, let me abandon these ideals so I can continue with my day without to much self inflicted discontentment and discomfort, but I’ll be on my feet in no time.

Yesterday's Night, Today's Morning

I lay here, thinking so hard with no movement and reflecting on a world that's ability to depress is infinate, and I can see the time go, nothing I can do will reform me, nor this place.

A solid still, beats onward, shamefully.
An obvious expression, faithless vacancy, low breath.
Insinuating silence, shelling a truth, beats later.
What a useless invention for prosperity.
Solo and flatened, unavailablely bitter, crushed.
A regretful plain, sincerely spoken, drudged upon.
Incomplete solitude, still beats, caged explorer.
One room entirely drowned in feigned hopeful figures.
Motionlessly uninspired, sunken deep in the shadows.
Squalid truthful contentment, reached unaccomplishing.
Materially beatless, solely achieving ruination.
Blissful beats onward, unspoken remorse, illegable.
Glimmer unspectated and unintentively through
forgotten past to expose and avail blind eyes,
ungratifying, to acquire a unfulfilled hope.
Whitewashing the dreams dreamt passionately.

April 21, 2005 Fragments Of Thought

Even with the lagging browser speed and horrible proxy, there’s been enough time for me to glance at the news. Technology and science/nature are the only pages I would commonly view, assuming there’s no big headline in business or Africa. After listening to what the has to offer today I suppose I’ll check out some black and white fine art photography, my favorite, and hopefully print some out. No printer problems today because if there is a shortage of ink, there’ll be hell to pay. I don’t want to have to strangle people, but they’re doing it to themselves… They should see the baleful looks I give them when they walk up to the printer; better be thinking, “what’s he staring, why isn’t he looking away…shit, he’s pissed.” I do have the seat parallel to the contraption.

Environments are what I’ve taken a likely to specifically, but I reserve some interest in all, green tea art archives, the artist’s work, even though some of this is not my fancy. People, portraits, or animals are disappointing for two reasons: redundancy in the photographic world and for the simple fact some animals really aren’t that pretty, at least I don’t think so anyways. The poetry I wrote last night must have a name for both style and expression; what’s poetry without a name, and, well, I don’t know if anyone would know what I’m talk about without the title. Titles are misleading; there’s never a title that fits perfectly, but then again, most are just clever associations to the topic of the work. I think simplicity will suffice. It’s a poem about laying on a bed at night, with so much to reflect on and so many things to distract; it’s just you quietly struggling for clarity in the peace and solitude of your on home. Depressingly enough, I know I’m not the only distracted by this material web, ready to catch your attention and suck your individuality dry, but just like any other, I am willing to use it to my advantage. Persistent deep thinking is what will lead to my death I tell you. I can create a myriad of questions with no answers, and occupy my time for an entire hour while I try to get to bed; sleeping has never been this hard for me. There must be a root to all these ideas, and a reason they most occur when I rest my head for sleep. I do try to pan off the conundrums I get myself in to during the day, but there’s nowhere for me to place my interest when I’m trying to sleep. I don’t see anything but blackness, and that’s the perfect habitat to breed insecurity and anxiety. Do I have some problem I need medication for; a medication to help me forget the enviable fears and questions a human has. I retain my thoughts and feelings in varied ways. I don’t only distract; simply, distract from the unsolvable questions, or, accept and try to forget to move past them and make it palatable. I can’t help but think the time I’ve spent vexed on the subject, already, has been somewhat of a waste, but, honestly, there’s nothing better I can do with my time here; Spending time with friends and family is what I want right now. The only place I can remain comforted and secure with my thoughts is surrounded by the people who reciprocate banter and silent love for each with each other. Since there’s no logical answer to these lifelong questions, there’s really no solid reason not to destroy yourself or others besides feelings; Feelings, moods, and expressions are just as real and just as obviously impacting as the questions I pose. For what better reason than love, for myself and others, do I live? There’s certainly not anything material worth living for, that’s worth all this trouble, but what is good without bad? Why would there be suffering without a relief? Would that relief be the best relief? I can’t imagine anything better than seeing a sunset after years of darkness or the contentment after a loved one leaves the hospital or taking a bolder off a crushed limb or loving again after a divorce or adulation after a job well done. Feelings and emotions are the strongest motivation a person can possess; it brings light and inspiration to an otherwise bland world. I am not neurotic, just incompatible with easy makeshift solutions to important questions. Back to balancing, juggling work to play, and once I get that down, maybe I could add another variable in. After releasing my indignation onto paper I can only progress from this point.

April 20, 2005 awake now

I'm not going to school, scratch that, didn't go to school. My mom woke me up and i struggled for an idea but reacted with "I HAVE migraine."
I wrote a letter to Steph, and she's already gotten it. ::snaps:: It wasn't long at all. I was thinking about her, and i wanted to put it down, but now i just feel cliche. Oh well. So i'm at home sitting upstairs with my mom and kylee, and they're going on and on about school classes and home improvement. The conversation is almost always one sided. My moms eyes are pointed straight at the TV. "nice give away mom." I wanted to read up on something. Right now i don't care; i'm just bored, and i'm not giving into television. Television = bad.
Last night, I went to Stephanie's. Michelle took me and brought me back. michelle was kinda drunk, but so was i, kinda...Ok i was flippin wasted. Still, I wanted to see her. It's wanting herion or something, I need it in my veins! NEED STEPH IN MA VEINS! Anyways Kylee is bringing trouble my way. "why aren't you going to school?" "you're going to get introuble, aren't you?"
She does that, Oh well, i feel passive today. I'm in my state of zen. ^_^ I guess i have to get off so klyee can write her paper.
:::looks down::: "there's nothing to do", "damnit."
I've done some stuff now. I've read some and finally i went to kroger where i was able to get lots of good eats to indulge in later. mmmm good eats to indulge in later, indulging. Can you tell i'm hungry? If my stomach could talk it would be telling me to go screw myself. See, i drank last night, and didn't pee for like 7 hours, and i didn't drink enough water thats for sure. I was like a overheating car, minus the steaming. I was too dehydrated to sweat. But i went to steph's and was still pretty messed up, next thing i know, it's flippin 5 in the morning and i have to leave. So, i wake stephanie up, thinking " damnit i slept the whole night away", and rolled over. I was wide awake at that point, not to mention woosy as hell. I could've thrown up all over her. That'd been funny, and something i would remember for a long time. Kind of like me pushing her off the bed. They would've had intoxication in common. I haven't been drunk drunk, not that drunk, in a long time. Anyways, audrey ravenous for some pork chops and green beans. Wait no, she doesn't eat pork chops. I have to get started i think.

April 18, 2005 The bed, The Road, oh... and then the fuckin school

The rest of my day that you missed:

I was wondering what secrecy was after I read the article in BBC news about the cardinals and how they’re supposed to be deciding who the next pope is, but there’s one problem with this. They said that they were going to be doing this in secret… http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4457223.stm

BOOM PA! BITCHES! AIN’T SECRET NOW, HUH!?

Honestly, I understand the concept they’re trying to convey here, but where do they get off saying its secret, when it’s so clearly not, I MEAN, IT’S IN THE DAMN BBC…

Everyone and their pet monkey (or dog) (preferably monkey) reads that shit.

MY CAT! It’s freaking gone, never to purr, nor lay, nor shit under my bed (only thing I don’t miss) ever….never…..ever again. Maya ::weeps:: I’ll never forget her. We’re actually supposed to be having a kitty funeral today in my backyard… I guess where our other starved—I mean loved animals are buried. Since I’m the only man in the house, I’m stuck with the job, Pet Gravedigger, where I will take a shovel to the earth like I take my hand to my…little brother’s FACE! I wasn’t trying to be ambiguous or to make any sexual innuendo. My insinuation was truly goodhearted. C’mon now, what do you think I am? Some degenerate child molester incest manipulating Indian… well you got one thing right… I’m a child mole—Indian. That’s right, I have a tendency to turn darker brown when exposed to sunlight for an extended period of time, and I can handle sunlight for longer durations than you silly—lovely white folks out there, your tendency is to turn pink or even red. Reminds me of that commercial for clear eyes with Ben... uhhh… Stein. Yeah, that old man with hip converse shoes. What a courageous Actor/Comedian.

April 18, 2005 The Cat, The Shovel, The Hole

Boots dripping with mud, face dripping with swet, muscles sore, all from the creation of my cat's last bed. The only bed she'll never remember. Now, she's covered with earth, like everything thats truly missed.

I've done it again. You've done it again. He's done it again. We've done it again. BOOM PA!

I've had a day. It's been up; It's been down, It's been all around. Even taken me to a real live hole in the ground. School was a waste of my time today. I know i didn't learn anything today. We just watched video's most of my lab. Great videos though; they were about everything. Everything from stick figure cat's poop to modern art's great enlightenment with the people. i wrote some during school but i'll have to wait for tomorrow, when i can send it to my Gmail. i think it was mostly comedy. I was feeling good at the time.

Bedtime is the time when all the great ideas come to me. I'm sure it's the same for you. I always think to myself, "well i'll just say it over and over, and maybe then, i won't forget this idea." I know i can expand on them. Since i'm on the idea, i might as wel bring up what i was thinking last night.
I felt there was something i was missing that night. I didn't feel like learning anything new, and i didn't feel like i was doing very well in anything i was putting my mind to; all those negative thoughts that try to beat you down all the time, when really you're the one doing it to yourself. Well, i got to thinking that it's because i haven't done any good work that i was supposed to do, nothing i really was told to do at least. In school I don't do my work, or if i do, i do it with little concentration or effort. At home i try to put it off for a little while, and it ends up blowing out of proportion, and i procrastinate to expungance. I realized, from thinking of the phrase, "you don't know the sweet, without the sour." Kinda like the whole, "you can't have light without dark." There are many balances we have in life: consistancing of air and water, friends and family, and question for things. Those are some; there are plenty. Yet another to add to the heep is, keep a balance of work to things you enjoy. I figure, without the sour i can't enjoy the sweet, and that leads to me not wanting to do the things i enjoy, like learning, reading, watching movies, and just hanging around with people. This uidea stuck with me as i fell asleep and when i woke up.

I woke up this morning, to a feeling of emptiness; a feeling like i had wasted too much time and there was nothing for me to talk about, when clearly there is, even too much.

Too much for me to talk about now... at least with you here. There will be more here tomorrow when i get back from school. SO CHECK BACK SOON!

April 17, 2005 Weekends Come And Go

This place is mind numbing. Television only makes me scorn my mother for her stupid addiction to TBN. That makes me think of how she always covers everything up, everything she really feels on the inside. Repressing her feelings isn't going to help her later, and she needs help now. I hope she doesn't let herself fall too far, and maybe become the derision with her friends her age. I can seeingher friends ridiculing her behind her back. What am i saying? She has no friends, and that's why she hides everything. What a way to become a ruination. Forgive me for being so tight-fisted. It's over anyways, she's left, and i turned the television off. It's so hard for me to think when some black preacher is so dramatically telling everyone they're are going to hell, and that if they aren't saving anyone, "they're just bruising a tree." I don't understand that exactly what that means, maybe it has something to do with the church growing like a tree.

I am a really sleep troubled individual, and seemingly enough, things are only getting worse. I try to sleep, but i wake up just an hour later. I can get 6 hours or so at one time and then i'm having to force sleep. I need to get my schedual back on track because this is really effecting me.
I've gone to Yellow Springs during a tourist hour, i guess. It was packed and i heard one the the hippy venders saying that. The place is pretty, but some of the people there can be annoying, drug addicted degenerates that crave your attention and won't let you leave there store. Well maybe there's only one guy i know of. I want to drink. i need something to mess me up to help the time pass.

We played our first show at 108 skate park. AVTICTUNOS is the name, remember it, you'll be screaming it soon, at amateur shows near you. Yeah, we messed up, but from what i hear we've done well for our first show. DMA, another local band, likes us. At least that is what they told us. I hope they'll want to play more shows with us. Even with the multiple fuck ups we had, it was a good experience for us as a group. I got jittery and was flustered throughout the whole stay there. I updated my myspace account. www.myspace.com/thee_oman is the url. I need to look for other local groups that we could play with. They'd have to be something like our style.

I've spent almost 2 entire days with Stephanie. DAMN I NEED A BREAK! i'm just kidding. I like spending time with her, almost too much, but i refuse to believe that's possible. I wish i wasn't so tired. I feel brain numb. I just need to warm it up, like you'd warm up a car. Coffee will help with the energy crisis on my hands. And maybe some sun...on the back porch.

Sun helps me feel better, as long as there aren't many bugs out, flying by my head. Thats can get annoying fast. Cotton candy on a stick. it kind of resembles a cloud too, our tree out back. It's really grown since i was little; it used to be as tall as me.

Michelle's arrived. And now Stephanie and Audrey.

April 14, 2005 Comfort < Security

Is comfort worth giving up for security? Our government seems to think so with all these new laws for air travling, but what do you expect from our government, so imperialistic and fraudulent.

Anyways, I've skipped an entry, and that must mean i have plenty to bring up. I've been thoroughly entertained, no doubt. I was talking with my dad and sister over lunch today, and we came upon the subject of emotional maturity. I was amazed at how much our opinions differed. Audrey said that she was too emotionally immature for high school, and she was homeschooled becuase of it. My dad seemed to censure her when she said that when she couldn't deal with everyone at school and had to cry or go to the counselor that that was a sign of emotional immaturity. I said i always thought emotional maturity was how you dealt ith your emotions once you were given that energy; I thought this because emotion is energy in motion. My dad said emotional maturity is something we have. I looked at him like he was a crazy ass, knowing that i get upset often and that by audrey's definition i wasn't mature emotionally. He said how we put others feelings and emotions before ours, how we're altruistic, is being emotionally mature. Being able to think of others and their feelings is something not everyone can do, especially in our society, but it's because of how we were raised that we see things in this way. Not because our family is altruistic but because our family has taught each other to anylize the situation before stepping in. Analyzing and refraining from taking action takes time to learn, and like anything else, repetition. Try to become neutral and not such an aggressor, for our family, it's a given if you want to be safe from my mom. ^_^ What a belligerent bitch she can be, acting like a "freakin frackin" 6 year old with how she deals with somethings sometimes. She'd never admit to it of course, but that plays in with the whole "acting like a 6 year old" thing. I try to expunge those ideas asap, so i can save myself the trouble of acting on them. She's gone to work now! horray!...has my life honestly come to this, where i take pleasure in looking foward to when my mom is gone?

I liked it that my sister somehow brought up the same idea i was talking to stephanie about just last night. i know i try not to be the antagonist in any conversation we're in, but i do realize i can't always help it, accidents happen. What an adage, "accidents happen". I think there's more implied by that than just those two words. Yet, to the skimmer it's easily ignored. This all helps me alleviate these thought from my head.

Michelle took Max, George, and me to my dad's house for band practice. Max and I rode in the back of Michelle's red truck all the way there. Clips: "Max, i've never moved this fast in bed", "well i have to warn you Orion, I'm not very good at pulling out." The ride was nice; air was blowing, and i picked up some cigarettes on the way. We practiced 2 songs very well, and we got all the hits down. Then, en masse, we began this new song max wrote. All the riffs are fast and complex, therefore, all my drum riffs had to be fast. I've been playing more blast beats and using more fills, which is good practice for the shows we're anticipating. It was almost 1 by the time we got out the door. On the way out someone posed the unresolved question, "who all was going to be laying in the bed of the truck?" Guess who it was again?
It is a gorgeous night with all the stars out, a perfect night to be spending with Stpehanie, but she's not here--sleeping--because i can't get her a ride. She's tired anyways. I was laying in the truck bed with max, freezing, looking up at the stars. We saw the big dipper, and we took everything, contemplated and lost track of it by the time we hit North Fairfield. It was like a cold planetarium, and the stars moved in interesting designs while the moon chased us all the way home. The street lights would pass over us, leaving a streak of colored light flashing like a roman candle towards our feet while our pants and shirts blew in the cold wind. It was nice to sit in silence after a long banter with my old friend. The silence and comfort in that silence was refreshingly real.
Stephanie is going to be getting the one, the only, "the pill", but I told her that Audrey told me you can gain up to 30 lbs. from it. I knew it was this easy, nothing is. There always has to be pot holes in the road, nothing can just be a smooth ride. I don't want her to consume some pill that will make her think less of herself or cause any trouble to her in any way. I don't think it was fate that ripped that loop that night, or was fate intential in doing so, just to make things more complicated for us to enjoy each other's...uhhhh, lets just keep it at "enjoy each other." It's her dubious decision, but if for any reason it doesn't agree with her, I'd give up sex, no question. It's like a television without a remote, sure it'll take a little more work, but i still like watching it.
It's getting late, and i have to save some energy for tomorrow, since i have band practice and i'll probably be spending most of the night with stephanie, hopefully not sleeping the whole time at least. I don't feel like sleeping, my mind is everywhere but here. My dependency on sleep is unavoidable, damnit.

April 13, 2005 leave me a comment for the title

I was starting to think maybe we’re all just feigning sincerity for our hopes that someone may reply with the same favor. You’ll never really know what’s crawling through my gaping mind at any one moment, and usually that’s a plus for the rest of you, not to mention myself. I’ll save it for the night, laying my head to sleep.

My mother can apply so many negative ideas to a subject I try to spark a conversation about; even something as easily answered with “good”, could be turned around on me to provoke some strife between us. I procrastinated my sleep, if that’s really possible, though I’m useless without it at this place. Why don’t they have the common courtesy to shut the damn door when they leave? My teacher’s patience is tested; he’ll sit and gaze out on the room, looking for someone to make eye contact, so he can make some relative body motion to which he is asking you to shut it. I’m not even turning my head towards him, but that has become commonplace by now; since I stopped participating in these damn projects. He probably thinks I’m such a degenerate with nothing better to do with my time than read blogs, and check out the latest abolishment of the planet. It's to see what consequence, if any, it has on me and my condition. Sometimes I wonder if I should even care; maybe this is just, and will only be just, a complete and utter waste of my time. Of course it’s nice to know what’s happening to other people from other cultures and religious backgrounds because to only think in this place with these surroundings is only going to become detrimental to me; I mean the inevitable truth is, we are going to get sick of anything we see or think about everyday, even ourselves. What’s behind those eyes of yours is only secret if you let it be, and hiding it is something we all have in common. When was the last time a stranger sat next to you and asked what’s on your mind…just as I suspected.

I see their eyes judging me, making those insinuating comments that are as smooth as butter on my toast. Just like my toast this morning. One piece of toast, then I started feeling sick to my stomach.

So, on the way to school, my interpretation of my mom’s body language was a horrible failure. She was only acting okay with me, by not talking, so I would ask her what was making her so neurotically quite--for lack of a better word--bitch. So, I gave her a justifiable complaint, nullified by a compliment for the coffee this morning. She wanted me to run in to Speedway and grab her some Krispy Cream Donuts. I made a simple head gesture and asked if I could get a coffee, and she passed "check in advance" money to me.


I LOVE YOU STEHPANIE! I WILL CALL YOU WHEN I GET BACK! (you will have my babies, if i ever need you to, b/c i said so)
(i wanna climb the rail of a girl like a fireman doing the reverse emergency)

April 11, 2005 I'm on the flip side, and you didn't catch me

Yesterday I went to my dad's new house out in Springfield with Audrey and Stephanie. It was nice, I wanted Stephanie to see it earlier, but there really hasn't been much time to actually enjoy at my dad's new place; all this new work to do all the time. It seemed like that's all my dad wanted from us for a while there, but now he's relaxed on it since there's been plenty accomplished. We've gotten almost all the furniture at his house in one of the two storage areas, garage or barn. Man that place is so flipping beautiful. I want to just sit and listen to music, zone out, and gaze out on the pretty forest parts with Stephanie of course. So I can look over and see stephanie with her bedroom eyes looking back; there's not a better site to see. I can't get enough, regardless if I've spent the past few days with her. SHE'S MY DRUG OF CHOICE! What else can I say?
I grilled some steak while stephanie beamed out on the sunset. The sunsets at my dad's are always "breath taking", kind of like hot pockets, but a little more. I'm dead tired now, so I'm going sleep for an hour, but I know I will finish this later.
I slept for a few hours, everything's still surreal and very fuzzy. I had some crazy dream, that left me scared and wanting to find some religion for me and my friends. My dreamgoes something like this: I wake up and decide to go visit Stephanie, but for some reason i don't get a ride, i decide top walk there. I make it down my street, claydor, and a little of North Fairfield only before i look up to the sky. Everything is getting dimmer and dimmer in the direction i'm heading. It looked like fog that was black instead of white, kinda like a swarm of insects from far away. I think to myself, that it might rain, but i still feel odd about it. Suddenly it's really dark in the direction i'm heading, and the sky starts to move like someone was enlarging a picture infront of your face and then making it smaller. Zooming in and out, the sky is dark black swirls, staring back at me with dark eye's, waiting to crush me as i would a bug, no hesitation. Abruptly, everything comes to a completely stop right when my eyes are fixed on the sky's movement wondering what's going on. It freezes. I continue to walk still on North Fairfield; I didn't make it far this whole time, but it has been a long time by now. The moon turns opposite it's hazy grey color. Bright white with eye lids, it is staring at me. At first, i try to act like i don't know what is going on, but that subsides and i realize that the world is ending. I feel like crying. I start running and i get to my dad's. I run in and find Stephanie and kylee to be there. I'm freaking out. I talk to Stephanie and she doesn't believe me. She offer's me soemthing to get it off my mind though. I can't accept, and i'm hyperventilating falling to me knees. I'm laying on the floor trying to talk; my mouth moves but no sound comes out. And everytime i try to raise my hands up, they're pushed down to the floor. I start crying, and i stand up to hug stephanie, trying to explain that it really is the end of everything. I'm hugging her under the black sky with the blinding white moon beaming at us about to pulverize us both.
I wake up. Stephanie called me, i'm just kinda flustered, and like i said everything still feels surreal. I hate armgeddon-ish dreams like that. They freak me out, sometimes i really think that it's a sign, but i know it can't be true.
So my family was watching "EXTREME MAKE OVER, HOME EDITION", where this guy and his FREAKING huge team make over this family with AIDS. They, i guess because they feel bad fo the whole neighborhood, remodel and make over every house on their whole flippin street. i was writing the dream hearing stupid quote like, "i seriously don't think we're going to be able to get this done THIS TIME." I hate reality television, even though that is a really nice thing to do for a family with all those troubles. I hate that fact they call it reality t.v. when it is completely set up, and they show you how it's set up. What a way to waste money, and not to mention wasting stupid American's time.
Stephanie is suppose to talk to me, but right now she's looking up hair styles on the web. She looked up the bob, lol. If i was a lady i would get that haircut, but i'm not. I'd get it because short hair on the ladies is flippin sexy. OMG, maybe all this talk from the girls like: i want him to wear eyeliner and a skirt, yada yada; and all these guys like: shes needs to be more rough and have short haircuts means we really have some sexual attraction to our same sex but we block it out by want the opposite sex to carry some characteristics of the same sex. I don't know, but it just came to me because i really do like short hair on girls, i don't really know why either.
Oh well, well i'm going to continue this later possibly... the night is young and i had coffee, even though i'm going to bed early; i know this. i miss stephanie's arms around me. T_T

April 10, 2005 Last night was...(lets keep it at that)

well, maybe not, Last night was great. *_* I got to wake up next to the lady i love 3 times. Regardless of how tired i was and how much i wanted that sleep, it was nice to see her face expressionless and her body motionless because I get to stare without feeling too uncomfortable. Oh so I dreamt about Steph, both last night and a night a few days ago. I dream simple dreams when I'm sleeping next to her. During the week i dreamt that i had woken up and she was thirsty, so i was going to get her something to drink, next thing i know i'm awake about to get up and hand her the pink lemonade she was working on earlier; but instead realize it was a dream and try to fall back asleep. Last night, i dreamt I was awake next to her sleeping and all i could do was breathe, no movement. So it was me trying to figure out a way to move. Then, i woke up and just stared at Steph for a few minutes and tried to fall back asleep. I don't really know if those dreams are really simple or if better to say they're realistic, because they weren't simple when i was experiencing them. The dream itself seemed a lot longer than what it sounds like. It seemed like they lasted hours, but you never can tell with a dream anyways.
My mom wants to go to florida this summer. So she asked me if i can find out when i start summer gym, and i told her i could try, even though i don't go to beavercreek high school, so i wouldn't be able to ask anyone that would know about it. Anyways, i told her what i remembered from this business show i was watching one night with my aunt. This old man was saying if we could lower america's gas consumption by 20% then we could lower gas prices by a dollar easy next year. He told the viewers some ways to go about lowering gas pricing, and to the quote i repeated to my mom, "Before you go on your vacation this year, remember how bad the last one was." Which i really beleive is true, because its not the actual leaving of the house that makes it so good and ultimately a vacation. It's the escaping of the common everyday responsibilties we have that makes it a really vacation, and that's not hard to come by. All you would have to do is let your house look bad for a few days, don't clean for a few days, don't eat in for a few days, read when and what you want to read, take work off, and spend time with people you love and/or like. It's not hard, vacations as us americans see it is a good example of how american culture can blind the eyes and sublimate the true meaning of things. Anyhow, as i was saying my mom was asking me about whether i would like to go or not. I told her i didn't know and that last time we didn't really have all that much fun. Her response stupid as always was, "Well if you not going to have fun don't come, because i'm going to have fun...go lay on the beach and...have fun." My mom has had the media pull the wool over her eyes too many times, and now she can't even get a glimpse of the truth...how sad.
I woke up at 10:30, 12, 1, and finally 2 p.m. for good to a phone call from steph, my queen. I like waking up to her phone calls, brings my days start to another place. A place where I'm not at home about to be confronted with my mom and her un predictable behavior or my aunt's, which is even worse. I get to zone out of my house and in to steph's. There's almost nothing better than that; you don't even have to move...how can it get any better?
Anyways i have summer gym as i said earlier, and i don't really want to go to it, but there's not my of an option on my part since i don't have my gym credit. I have to graduate on time or i'll murder some people. i have to go for 6 weeks, and i'm pretty sure its smack dab in the middle of summer break, which kinda sux; but i'm sure i'll have a car close to then or before, so i'll be able to do things i wanna do afterward(heck prior to even, it's summer!)
I guess i'm done writing for now. You should listen to that song by beck, "Sunday Sun" off their Sea Change album, wonderful song.
I'm off to read some other's blogs.

April 8, 2005 Rendition of the Hermitood

yeah so i made up a word...WHAT NOW BIA!?!?--thought so--
"you suckin meh wiener!?" As I walked through the doors to the school side entrance this morning. "noooooope, I ain’t no man to give no never mind." Well Korey seems to be losing his mind with these senseless jokes. But I understand since the comradery between him and his…well, hardcore dancing comrade Bill haven’t been so compassionate. Bill’s kind of "TO’d" Korey told his girlfriend about his phone calls and flirting with this girl at school. I didn’t know, and I don’t want to know or be involved in anymore drama; I have enough to satisfy a small army of drama queens as is. If I was korey, I’m sure I wouldn’t have said anything to Bill’s lady, but Korey’s a fat white suburbian boy. Kendra and I called him a social parasite this morning, Kendra—"He’s taking all my friends!", Korey—"yeah, Daniel’s my friend now too", Kendra—‘Daniel doesn’t even call me anymore", Me—"so you’re saying he’s a social parasite?"

Schoolllllllllllllll yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh… a lot of time to be disobeying my teacher and read blogs. I’ve come across some damn good blogs today. Lowlandseed, bitchPHD, and a few others. Good stuff though. So I guess George Alan deleted his blog, maybe it’s because he’s a pansy who can’t take some criticism, or maybe it was too much drama for his career. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's easy to ruin the reputation of a man who wears whitey tighties for money. what a douch...
So I've been sitting around looking a stupid webpages all this time, except for my cigarette breaks of course, and i've been trying to figure out something to do this great weekend. My mom's working and everything. That means i could go anywhere anytime.

Well now that it's 11 P.M. I've been helpped in many ways, hurt in many ways, and considering some way out. But thats all changing, see i have something in mind. I'm going to discuss some things with myself via typing in this blog. Wipe myself clean of my disgrace, pick up my jaw off the floor--been reading some people's work--, stop staring at the screen vacantly, and look at other's lives, like George Alan, what a douch. If conceit was strawberries, lets just say he'd be no skinny model anymore. Let me accommodate you and let go of this topic. Icould go on for too long. Lets see, lets see, in my agenda for this evening I've accomplished a great deal of trivial bullshit; I've undoubtingly stumbled upon pointless shit and moved on enough times to consider myself an ADD addict. I can't satisfy my curiousity for this stuff; people's daily lives on html paper, where you can find them rambling about their kids and what they plan on doing to their wives or husbands when they return from "rough day at work." ADD, attention deficit disorder? pfff more like UIAC (You-e-ac), Uninterested In Anything Complex. So I've been suffering from UIAC, aiming to consulidate my thoughts to a subject I could focus on with no luck.
I lost faith; I'm back from my second attempt. It's 12:30. The patriot Act II Draft is either the cause of a heart attack for political analysists or a sleeping aid for the people suffering from UIAC. I've reached the pinnacle of boredom, and there's nothing to do up here but look down, down to my feet. And eventually back up to the screen to try again. No more politics.
Portishead is a godsend, my playlist on random suprises me. "this mess will end"--Portishead
Unfortunely I'm seeing no accessable ways out besides sleep, and I've had 2 cups of coffee, almost. Gabe is persistant, rubbing his wet nose all over my leg and sleeves, "such a cute little doggie, come here." He's lucky i almost killed him, or i wouldn't have the pity to allow him to continue. Besides he's just laying there next to me now, waiting for me to look at him licking himself. He loves me, it's obvious. Obvious he doesn't remember me and my accidental attempted dogslaughter via moldy capuccino. Am i really that bad for throwing some old breakfast drinks out my window? I think or at least hope from now on he'll keep his face away from mold.
David went to "use the bathroom." For you girls out there who may not know what that is, let me "brake it down fo ya." If a guy is gone for more than his fair share of bathroom time then he's not using the bathroom. No person takes 15 minutes to go to the bathroom, i don't care if they have chlamydia, there's just no way. Sign two he's performing some sexual act is, when he comes back, he types short answers; ex. "hmm" or "nothing." Or better yet if he mistypes those small words as if he's struggling to say something fast; ex. "nothig n relly." Yeah you pretty much caught him red handed, but you might as well give up in your quest to justify yourself. I say this because i posed the question in a nice mannor as you would have done if in my shoes, "so, be honest man, you were jerkin the 'ol mommy daddy button weren't you?!?" I got a reasonable answer, "no ddue waht yo takling bout?" Wait a second...maybe there was enough justification in that response to answer the question. Well...maybe he needed that, everyone gets sexually frustrated every once in a while.
Which brings back to this morning--or should i say yesterday morning now?--when Bill said he hadn't masturbated in two weeks, and thats why he had so much energy to do his "two stepping" in the doorway. Sure people stared and probably wanted to know why he was doing this as they walked in, but he explained it all in that sentence. Sexual frustration brings you to sexually frustrated actions, which included everything from rape to hardcore dance moves and dirty dancing in the morning. Bill's a character, charismatic and resourceful. Nothing can hold him back, not even his white suburbian background.
Gabey Baby freaks everytime a ride cymbal is being used in a Portishead song. He looks like a tipped cow, perfectly still, like he's sleeping, but as soon as the ride cymbal strikes he on his feet staring at me, ready to pounce.
My precious Starcraft! This soulless computron ate it, and ambiguously brought me to my knees, for both weeping and cleaning. I was scared i was going to touch the motherboard and that the little static shock it gave off would fry it, happens all the time to unsupecting amateurs like myself. I have almost no experience in cleaning drives, or even opening computers up for repair or installion. I not only had to clean the drive for myself, but also for my mom who wanted me to email Audrey's graduation pictures asap; "Orionnnnnnnnnn!, i've asked you 3 days now, and you still haven't done it!"
"Mom, i shouldn't have to do it, i set you up with an account and showed you how it was done."
"I asked you to do me a favor!"
Mumbling i say, "a favor...whats that mean again?"
Sometimes my mom is suprising with her lack of respect and her ignorance saturated fat head.
I'd like to say I'm done writing now, but I'd be lying. I think I'm going to move on to the science relgion article for the other blog.
Jesus, i've wrote a short story. The only thing missing is a moral, or some sort of point to make it all come together. Oh, i got one or even two.
1. Masturbate! ONANISM = GOOD FOR YOUR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELLBEING! And, well so you won't do crazy stuff.
2. Don't drink coffee to stay up late, when there's nothing to do, take my word on that one.
Hell I'll even leave a third...
3. Remember never to throw moldy capuccino or moldy...ANYTHING out your window.

April 7, 2005 Sleep Helps

It’s 8:55 A.M. I tried getting more sleep. I feel a lot better. I look around the room, seeing a bunch of people reading websites and books, wanting this boredom to end. My teacher’s lecturing us all, step by step, on how to model this face of an ogre character. Yes, I am skipping it, it’s boring I could die. Seriously, I think I feel pain, physical pain from this. ::shortage of breath, keels over:: Extol is playing over my headphones. Am I both trying to ignore everything outside my computer screen and hoping everything ignores me. Except I can’t help but noticing the guy right next to me, reading DatingTips.ws, lol. Oh god, how bad can someone be at dating that they would need the assistance of datingtips.ws, lol. Oh he just got rated a 4.9! whatever that means.

I went to Stephanie’s yesterday, midday. I arrived sometime between 6 and 7 I think. Well, she took me down her street. Wasn’t a theme park, but I am not complaining, it was quality time. We ate some subs and chicken wings—she loves the wings. I can still see her nibbling on them trying not to make a mess or get any on her face. Sucking the BBQ from her fingers, oh dats hot. ^_^ I read her blog, she said she talks too much. I don’t think that’s entirely true. I like talking to her, and I like listening to her. And no it’s not annoying, AT LEAST NOT YET! Just poking fun at you dorkmaster. I know you’re pretty much the only one to read this, and that’s why I don’t talk about my other lover, Stephen. He’s a big guy, could take you down, lickity split. I honestly like the time we have alone together, and it’s important to keep that time, but I also like hanging with other people, as long as though don’t feel like a 3rd wheel. I don’t know how I feel really, besides I like being with. No words? No problem. I wouldn’t mind reading or even sleeping with you. Heck! I wouldn’t mind cleaning or just staring at you to make you the most uncomfortable I could. That’s always fun, something your mom and I actually have in common, making you uncomfortable. When we lay together, I feel at peace with everything. So, I took your advice, went to sleep early, and now…I feel even worse! Sykes, I feel better than I did. I know I need more sleep, and I know it really plays a big part in my wellbeing. So I guess I should be sleeping earlier. I don’t know if that can actually happen, but I’m going to try. Craving some nicotine.
It's 6:31 P.M. My moms left for work and i'm sitting here--damnit ben has to call travis-- looking the screen and back outside. I just made some freakin chicken. And it's good, but im sure you all know that already... he he heeeee. I;m trying to figure out something to do, but i'm not have much luck. I think i'm in the mood for something outside, although i don't know where i'm going to go. I think it'll be good for me. Perhaps there's nothing to do. ehhhhh, i guess i'll ride around beavercreek and read some only because jer has maria over and that means i can't go over there without becoming a third wheel.
Well never mind i guess i'm not going to have stephanie over. she's bored, i'm pretty bored so shes coming over, and we'll lay down and sleep. ^_^ no probably not the whole time, a;though i would like it, lol. i can hear audrey now, "so you guys were laying down the whole time? why was the door locked? what were those noises coming from your room? were they you two?"
And me with my response, "well--yes--no--i can'--no sex--just want a little touchy touch--mustn't--couldn't--...nothing." I was just giving her a good massage, well to be honest i plan on doing that. We'll see what happens. Orion over and out...for now at least.

April 6, 2005 bippy betting

I have much in mind for today. Maybe I’ll read some more of Einstein’s work at http://www.eserver.org/. That site freaking awesome, let me tell you. I got bored trying to not do the assignments in my Digital Media Lab, so I figured I get some good reading time in if I couldn’t work. I just don’t enjoy working on these projects I know I’ll never actually do anything with. And I know I won’t do anything with them because they’re actually pretty boring and oh so freaking tedious I could murder someone just for the sake of doing something new. So I was walking through the hallways here at GCCC, and as I was on my way to the library a man turns to me and says, “oh my god, I used to have hair just like that when I was in high school!” That made me smile a little because this guy was equipped with a buzzed head and partially grey hair. He didn’t stop walking this was a fast thing, sees me, yells to me, and walks off. Very similar to when someone is trying to pass out flyers except this guy was not trying to get my attention for his benefit, rather mine. Balled older men are funny.

I got home worn out, tired from the school day and little sleep. My mom was being her normal self, expressing her computer illiterate side today. She wants me to make her an email account. I think I’ve made her one more than once already. She can never seem to remember the name and password because she never uses email unless there’s some T.V. evangelist person or some project she needs to email. Cyber smack! Bitch needs to understand that I don’t like doing that for her. Too many stupid questions, “So what’s that box for, why is it asking me for my favorite pet’s name.” SMACK. Irritability.

Dag nab it! Old people say some funny things. I’m sitting here hoping the teacher won’t get pissed that I’m not working on the project. If he does I’m just going to tell him I don’t have the project I guess. What else can I do? “you’re walking through wonder, and wondering why!?”—first lyrical quote, remember DAT! Dead Blue Sky is pretty.

I’m going to Stephanie’s place after school if Audrey will take me.

I came. I saw. I left. It was boring. Schools over, but I have no time to write.

April 5, 2005 Catholics everywhere, even their dogs

I wasted plenty of time during lab today, just reading works of Einstein. It was some good stuff. I leaerned some of his views on religion and how he thinks much of many religions run parallel to science. It was a good read. Good for me too. Schools been going pretty good. I've been turning in most of my assignments and getting good grades in most of my classes, and i'm sure this quarter i'm going to get A's in all my core classes; I must. I've set it as my goal for this quarter, shouldn't be too hard. I'm going to stop drinking coffee starting tomorrow.
I was ready to do anything she had in mind. I thought maybe if we walked long enough through the parts of Saint Burgamo I had never seen, something may have popped out and sparked some good conversation. I realized later on that it didn’t matter what we talked about, just that we talked, and not even that was a requisite. I don’t mind just walking, it’s who I’m with and the quality time we spend doing it which really means the most to me. I’m also very glad she likes to do these sorts of things with me, and hopefully we can help one another get healthy, or at least healthier. We walked quite a bit around the parking lots before we got to the woods, where we accoutered the catholic dogs. It seemed to be a short time, but it was a pretty long walk. I think we got back to my dad’s son to be rented house around 8, maybe 8:30 or so. My dad had been really nice which I hadn’t suspected since he had spent the previous 2 or 3 hours with my little brothers. They can be a pain, and usually they don’t hold back much from fighting, but I hear they’re working on it from my mom. She’s crazy…if there are trying to hold back on the fighting, they’re not doing that good of a job.
We sat at the top of the hill I used to sled on when I was a kid. She asked me to move to her left side to block the sun from frying her. I didn’t mind, I like the sun light on my skin. We sat at the top of the hill, and I laid my head on her shoulder and put my arm around her as we watched the cars go down East Patterson. We shared a few jokes with each other as always, and talked about the things we’ve been thinking about, along some we haven’t. Plenty of stories were told, which I like. I can’t really get enough. Listening to Stephanie talk about the times she once had as a little girl put my mind on my past and all the good memories while blocking out most of my material thoughts. I could have sat there on that hill for the rest of the day, but the sun was going down. I didn’t want to walk back to my dad’s in the dark, she’d miss all the sites along the way.
So we walked back to my dad's place; every once in awhile stopping to clear the rocks out of her shoes. We get to my dad's and my sister, kylee, was there studying. We were hungry so we made some good pancakes. She helpped with it, did a fine job too, regardless of what she says. ^_^ The rest of the night we sat around with one another just talking. we were laying outside in the glass room, and she was running her fingers through my hair. I love that. Anyways, for the most part, today has been great. Well it's almost 2 A.M. i better head off to bed. i need some sleep.

April 3, 2005 Spring Breaking until it's Broken

To start off, last night was good, and by saying last night i really meant this morning around 3 A.M. Last night was fun, Stephanie, Michelle, Emily, Greg, David, Audrey, Nick and I went to waffle house for way too long hanging around and talking about comical things, just enjoying the time i guess. We had no idea where we were going to go afterward so Audrey suggested my dad's house, but soon after we decided to head to Stephanie's place; her mom was out of town for the night. We got over there and i heard many things from many people. David and Michelle had a jam session with an electric and acoustic guitars in Stephanie's living room while audrey, emily and greg were in Stephanie's room chatting it up about music and such. Things were going great i suppose, but then i started feeling really intraverted. Maybe I was upset before I went there, but i know that what i had on my mind had been with me for some time, so it was just waiting to come out of me. I had been confused about how Stephanie really felt towards me, and how i felt towards her. I just felt like sleeping because I didn't want to ask and be let done. Once she took me into her mother's room and we sat there i knew i was blowing this out of perportion, or was i? I can't know anymore, everything seems so important now. We layed there, and she wouln't stop presurring me to tell her why i was upset and what was on my mind. I didn't want her to take anything the wrong way, so I asked her some important questions that both of us really needed to know if we wanted to feel stable or content with one another. The whole time I couldn't stop from feeling depressed, like I knew she wouldn't understand or maybe she just thought I was being a worry wort about everything. She had helped me to calm down by answering my questions without asking why I wanted to know, and without even hinting that it was unimportant to her. I could see that she cared for me, and I understood some reasons why once we started to talk. I had hoped she felt the same way I did, and she told me a lot that both her and I needed to hear. The whole time i was affraid it could be the end, and i hated thinking that so much it made me cry.
I woke up feeling completely indifferent and completely behind everyone else by hours, like i had missed so much time i could have done something with. Productive or not, I took a shower and shaved, cutting my face twice, but everything was okay, atleast i felt that way on the inside. I talked to a few people and here I am, wanting to leave and do something, ANYTHING. I can't leave Stephanie alone tonight, besides what else is there to do?
Here's to Spring Break, cheers to the memories, all to be forgotten.

April 2, 2005 Hope > Want

I'm done with the downstairs molding project which means nothing more and nothing less than freedom from house arrest. My aunt helped me to do the project because she said she felt guilty for painting that so sloppily and making the mess i had as a project. The things my aunt says are amazingly numbing in so many ways, and of course she doesn't see when she says something that offends anyone, she can only hear what we say back. My aunt lacks in the ability to read body language, example: could be sitting down with my eyes closed, and she would read that as a perfect time to interupt with some story from some place some time when she was driving some truck on some route and getting yelled at by someone. Well I was sitting there and she'd ask me things like, so whats your band play? "hardcore/death metal/black metal." "awww well thats too bad, I was hoping you would play some covers for me, you know some John Melloncrap, bob Dillon." Melloncamp*--whoops-- Anyhow i said that covers are for pussies and she just laughed as if she knew what that really meant, but we all know with my aunt's intellect... Then everytime she got something done she would say, " i bet you wish you could get that off as fast as me" I'd just smile and nod like, "yeahhhhhhh, I know i wish I had the muscle you do." But on the inside I was thinking, Yes shes working more than me, she better since this is really her freaking mess, and I'm just doing it because i must, otherwise I wouldn't be even thinking about helping you, unless you went mute. Is that really that bad to think, my answer is more important than yours!
Well so I'm off house arrest so says my mom. She won't call or anything, but she said she'll talk to her as soon as Mrs Woodson calls her. Today my mom kicked Ben while and E and him were fighting, which i just kind of looked at as my own private wrestling match in my living room. My mom wouldn't ignore it, she just had to run to the screams of them and start even more trouble. I told her not to worry about it and she just screamed back almost like instinct, "then you do it!" So they were fighting again and I came to stop them by grabbing ben behind the arms and lifting him away, while my mom with her CRS (Can't remember shit) syndrome came roaring in with a swift kick to Ben's behind. My aunt was saying that she originally told her that she could paint the downstair's wall and just lay down newspaper because she was going to paint the molding anyways, but like I said with my mom's CRS syndrome, she doesn't seem retain her consistency. Sometimes i could cry because she just forgets so much, or responds to something that's important to me with something that's completely irrelevant and heartless half the time. When I showed her my good grades, she just said I don't even bring homework home, and later on i said that she had said that to me when I shoed her my grades and she just laughed with her fake smile and stared at me like i was absolutely wrong; needless to say that turned in to a huge freaking fight with only me to lose, being on diversion at the time. Law's authority > My Authority. So my moms crazy everyone knew that a long time ago, you can tell from her fake smiles or how she talks on the phone when shes tired, or how much she forgets, the family members around her know best of all these things.
So I'm going to jam with David Zainey, INSANEY ZAINEY, in a few years when Audrey gets out of the shower. I hope i get to see Stephanie tonight and hang for a while some of my good friends. I want to enjoy this last night i can be out late on my spring break.
Anyways my day is just beginning now that all the work is over, and there's nothing I want to do more than see people i can't always see.
Stephanie and I talked yesterday,and I was feeling over worked up about things that are pretty stupid. I felt like a drama king when i heard stephanie's responses because she just said i was worrying too much and that it wasn't a big deal. I understand that it's not really a big thing that I don't like being called hun, and I understand most people think its stupid; it's honestly something that I find bothersome. I hope that doesn't make her think im stupid or something. I try not to let it get to me and just understand people don't mean it like that, its just something that makes me feel like you're belittling me with words you would normally say to a child or someone you're trying to be all buddy buddy with. That was not the time for it's use. I'm just glad we talked about it, even though it was a little rough. I want everything to be good, and i know that problems will arise during our relationship, but I want the problems to be assesed no matter the size. Remember the quote, " the truth is replaced by silence, and silence is a lie?"Kylee told me things just grow and grow until they become something big. you have to cut it out when it's small. I want to be honest with Stephanie as much as i possibly can without hurting myself, and I want to be as understanding as i can no matter the situation or the size. That's almost nothing compared to what happened last night. I don't even want to say it in here because that will only let more people know of the mishap. I don't think anything is wrong, but all I can do is hope. I hope nothing happens with this and I hope no one will get hurt over this.
My day has been short in terms of words, more unsaid than spoken, but that only means less is being said, same amount of thoughts as any other day in the year. I want to leave, and get away from this place i've been confined to for so long; having my only breaks at night when my mother is working or sleeping. I'm ready to make today happen, and I'm prepaired for the bad I will be confronted with. I can handle anything tossed my way, I just need to smile now and keep myself up.